Talk:Now I am become Seth, the destroyer of worlds

Wow, a new story so soon. You write pretty fast. Can't wait for the next parts! --Drake, 12:07, 25 June 2009 (+0800 GMT)

How I envy your ability to come up with ideas... my story has been stalled for over two weeks XD --Lloyd

I mow the lawn to come up with ideas. Really. When I get really bored, I think about these things. Plus, I couldn't let a title like this go unused. I happen to write parodys, and I've wanted to use Openheimers quote (which he actually got from the Hindu bible) for a long time. Oh, and fun fact: Haven,Maine is the fictonal town where "The Tommyknockers" takes place. See what I did there?--Guvnor Of Space 17:42, 25 June 2009 (UTC)

Hmm...A nice ending, but not really what I expected. When I hear (or read) the words "Destroyer of Worlds" it makes me think of this really, friggin powerful guy with a gun the size of the Empire State Building and totally ready to blow up some stuff. Or, more realistically, a person with vast amounts of power at his disposal and is also prepared to use that power for destructive means. However, your story seems to just end off like...that. There wasn't any huge showdown that displayed Seth's supposedly huge powers. Somehow, Seth getting defeated so easily seems somewhat anticlimatic. Just Brown, sitting in Seth's house, and Seth doesn't even put up a fight? The least I'd expect was that he'd duck and roll, grab a hidden weapon and fire, and then Brown runs...etc, etc.

Mmm...unless it was supposed to be a parody. But I honestly feel that the title itself had a lot of potential for a huge climax. Think about it. A reader goes flipping through the "All Stories" section, sees this totally cool title. He thinks, "Wow, a Destroyer of Worlds! Leet!", but then he'd read on to find Seth so easily defeated. I don't mean to insult: please don't be offended. It's still a great story, but I expected it to turn out differently. --Drake, 15:25, 26 June 2009

That's exactly right. The title is supposed to emphasisize what Seth thinks of himself. He had a vast quantitiy of Xanadu Phenobletum at his disposal and felt invincible. But he was over confident. If it hadn't been for the Krytonite he would have been taken into government custody. He was destroyed so easily because he figured he had outthought Brown. He knew Brown wouldn't shoot, and figured he could trick him into letting him go. He didn't think the man was there on a revege mission: He figured he was a straight laced government agent. But he did think he would confront him personally. (Just like in a movie. The cops are on the way, but the main character is there peronally so that they can talk to the bad guy or whatever.) So yes, the title implies somthing that Seth can't deliver on. I hope you weren't too disapointed with the rest of the story though.--Guvnor Of Space 14:57, 26 June 2009 (UTC)

Ah, I see. After understanding, I don't feel let down at all. However, I still feel that you should write in more cool stuff for Seth: more large-scale, high-profile actions that make him look the part. He thinks he's frikking awesome, right? Then he should walk around, flaunting his power. That would cement the idea that Seth was a overconfident asshole, and would reinforce the irony at the end. Still, whether or not you make changes this is still a great story that I enjoyed. --Drake, 00:27, 27 June 2009

Update: Due to haveing a job at a camp, editing for this story will be on hold until 7/26/09 --Guvnor Of Space 21:21, 3 July 2009 (UTC)

Critique

Since you asked for a critique, here goes. I hope I don't come across too harsh. Firstly: the flow of your story. It's stilted, jarring, and difficult to read (no offense intended). It's going to be tough, but the best thing for you to do would be to go over this and rephrase everything. Yes, everything. The sentences of your story are always in the same form: short. While this isn't necessarily a bad thing (short sentences = good for action scenes), it is if you write the entire story with short sentences. The result is that your story becomes stilted and uncomfortable. For example:

Two hours after the standoff had begun one of the hostages did something to change the situation. The fry cook was getting tired. He wanted to go home. He reached under the counter and grabbed two large pots. He slammed them together. Seth jerked, looking in the direction of the noise. Agent Brown didn’t. He didn’t shoot either. He used the time to put his pistol above the table. Scotty jumped under the table. When Seth looked back and saw that the trekie had disappeared, he got angry and used the pen on the fry-cook. With a pop, he disappeared from behind the counter. Presumably, a small statue was now standing where he had been. Seth was starting to look very angry. He pointed the pen thing at Agent Brown.

can be changed to

Two hours after the start of the standoff, one of the hostages tried to do something. Having waited without moving for hours, the fry cook was sick and tired of this. He wanted to go home. Reaching under the counter, he pulled out two large pots, lifted them high and slammed them together forcefully. A jarring clang shattered the still air, and Seth jerked, taking his eyes off the two officers to look for the source of the disturbance. Agent Brown barely reacted to it. Instead, he took the time to move his pistol above the table. Next to him, Scotty ducked under said table. Seth looked back at the officers, anger crossing his face as he noticed that Scotty was gone. Obviously furious at losing control of the situation, even momentarily, he spun in his seat, pointing the pen at the fry-cook. With a pop, the man vanished, presumably leaving a small statue where he had been standing. Turning back to Agent Brown with an angry scowl, Seth pointed the pen right between Brown's eyes.

It's longer, but by stringing short sentences into longer ones you make the story flow better. Vary sentence length and type. Flow is the largest problem I see in this story. Improve on it, and this story will become lots better than it already is. :)

PS: I have new stories,if you want to read them. —Drake 11:16, 23 August 2009 (UTC)

I've got a critique on the way. Notes have been made, but right now it's 2330 EST and I'm tired. The critique will be written and posted after I get a good nights sleep. -- ShadowWolf 03:26, 28 August 2009 (UTC)

The promised critique

Let me begin this critique by commending your efforts. The story, though filled with problems, is entertaining and shines like an uncut gem that has been freshly wrenched from the earth. Every mistake I've noted is something that is common to new authors and will begin to disappear as you gain experience and skill in the art of writing.

So don't take this criticism harshly, it is intended to highlight the problems with the narrative and help you see where you can make it better. Consider this like the initial polishing that is always done to any gem. I'd suggest you find a true artist of an editor—like Cubist—to get the story truly polished. However… Where I've known the name of an article in the Writer's School that explains the issue I've provided a link to it. Sadly I don't know the contents of all of them and only managed to provide a single one… :( (and I've just finished writing and posting one that you can read for part of this critique)

First for the easiest to fix errors:

• You have 'homophone blindness'—throughout the entire story you know the word you want to use, but instead of using it, you use another word with the same sound but a different meaning and spelling.
  • First Paragraph you use 'where' when the word you wanted is 'wear'
  • Second Paragraph you use 'there' when the actual word you want is 'their'
  • This continues through the rest of the text.
• Additionally there is at least one spelling mistake—that appears to be caused by the sheer speed of typing. Down in the standoff in the diner you have 'capture' mis-spelled as 'cawpture'—this error is relatively common and is caused by hitting the gap between rows.

And now for the problems and mistakes that are much, much harder to fix:

It isn't noticeable until the third paragraph but in your push for short, simple sentences you've broken the flow of the narrative. That has been helped along by limited variation in structure and a large mass of repetition when it comes to word choice and descriptions. These problems are really common with authors that have just gotten started with the art and will slowly become much less common as time goes on. (See Keeping the Editor Happy for more information on this)

At the first separate section—around the fourth paragraph—you start a small flashback combined with an info-dump of the background of the characters and the situation. That paragraph should be split along the lines of the separate ideas involved and the break following the paragraph removed so the paragraphs after it that continue the flashback will be continuous. That break is un-needed and shatters the flow completely. (see The Importance of Narrative Flow for information about this subject)

When the Xanadu cops are leaving their car and heading for the diner you have a sentence starting 'The two walked' followed by 'the two walked' as the second clause of the same sentence. A quick fix for that chunk of repetition would be to change it to 'they walked' at the start of the second clause. I include it here as a separate incident instead of grouping it with the 'repetition and limited variation' because it is the easiest place for me to provide an example of how to fix this problem.

During the conversation and attempted capture in the diner the dialog is decent, but feels a lot like something out of 'Miami Vice' or similar mid-80's cop-show. Additionally you provide little in the way of flavor for the exchange and there is no real "motion" to the scene, despite the fact that no situation like that is ever completely free of motion. People under stress tend to be fidgety and also tend to speak with their hands. Details will help overcome the problems with the dialog.

By the end of the conversation with Seth at the Diner the flow of the story is so dead it's started to fossilize and suspension of disbelief is likewise dead. That leads to problems later on in the story, where the end does not feel right for the story and the inherent joke/twist makes no sense. Additionally the "capture" scene at the diner is very cute, doubly so with Scotty ducking under the table.

But the circus—of both Media and Law Enforcement—that springs up outside the diner falls flat and does not feel real. Expanding the conversation in the Diner to include more information and descriptions will help the situation. Including information about the circus building up inside the conversation instead of afterwards will make it feel like it was planned from the start instead of just tacked on.

When the end happens it feels like a let-down because you've built up expectations that the story will have some kind of massive showdown. I understand the reasons for the ending, but you can make it a lot less of a let-down by providing some action in that final scene. The exact details of that action and how it will help to alleviate the "let down" nature of the ending is something that can only be found through experimentation and the whims of the author.