Talk:The Strength in the Shark

Although it's finished, this story feels a bit "rushed" to me. Does anyone have a suggestion on how I could pace it better? Lloyd Brunnel 12:52, 18 August 2009 (UTC)

Hmm... it might be a bit more fundamental. Stories I write usually have a conflict or problem set up at the beginning which is resolved at the end. If the problem is not resolved, the story doesn't feel "complete". In this case, you have the fox sitting at the bar, a shark comes up, apologizes, and leaves. The only initial problem is MAYBE a bit of fear of the shark, and that doesn't even occur until about a third of the way through due to the brevity. Maybe have a new beginning with the POV character grumbling in his mind about the shark that mistook him, about how he hates that, he's angry, but what are you going to say to a shark? Then said shark comes in, apologies, tension/conflict set up at the beginning is resolved. Michael Bard 21:15, 18 August 2009 (EDT)

I think you misread the part of Within and Without that this story refers to. Jonas literally ran into Jimbari and ran away, there was no mistaking things until the start of this story. --Lloyd 12:19, 19 August 2009 (UTC)

Critic Notices

For those critiquing this piece, please pay attention to the first section before Jimbari appears, as I am unsure of how well I establish Jonas's frame of mind. I'd also appreciate any help with an ending, since I can't come up with one =( --Lloyd Brunnel 19:12, 19 August 2009 (UTC)

Well...the second paragraph seems kind of abrupt, and it feels stilted, unconnected to the rest of the story. Maybe a short sentence between, like, "Yeah, I'm not exactly brimming with it." That might link the two paragraphs better.

As for Jonas' state of mind...I think you've established it pretty well. He seems resentful at losing control to his instincts, ashamed, perhaps. This seems to demonstrate how Jonas was touchy about being a fullmorph. However, he seems to get really pissed at Jimbari, even though it was written in the PaW Character List that Jonas was a shy but friendly guy. "Shy" doesn't fit into his reaction; neither does "friendly". Frankly speaking, I imagined Jonas to be a friendly, cheerful guy, pretty much from how he took the Asplosion of the cake so lightly. His reaction to Jimbari seems to conflict with that idea.

Maybe you're trying to show how Jonas was touchy about being a fullmorph. If so, that's okay. But the events before Jonas' outburst seem strange: first he has "a very strong desire to yell at him for his ignorance", later he gave "a pleased growl", after that he finally gets pissed. I'm not sure if the pleased growl part was supposed to be Jonas' instincts, but if so, you should mention that. Else, you should change it. I think it'd be better if you described how Jonas was at first a little intimidated, then annoyed, then angry (or some other slow increase in anger or something). That way the reader can follow.

For an ending, how about you have someone, like Allan, for example, walk over, scritch Jonas behind the ears and say, "Seriously, though, you really are like a cuddly/fluffy/cute/some-other-amusing-term litle animal. Though you scare me when you yell like that." That way it'd be funny. :)

On the overall, this is a pretty good story. Great work! —Drake 11:35, 20 August 2009 (UTC)