User talk:Kenani/The Girl of His Dreams

My first story on Shifti. Enjoy.--Kenani 19:12, 29 June 2009 (UTC)

A little formulaic, but well-written. Nicely done. —Robotech Master 19:15, 29 June 2009 (UTC)

Not bad. As RM said, a bit formulaic, but well executed. Pardon me while I go add you to the Pack. -- ShadowWolf 19:22, 29 June 2009 (UTC)

Thanks, then. It may be formulaic, but keep in mind that it's my first story. Gotta start somewhere. --Kenani 19:28, 29 June 2009 (UTC)

That is why you earned a spot in the Pack down in the Promising New Authors section - as you noticed (and corrected the link - thanks) -- ShadowWolf 19:45, 29 June 2009 (UTC)

Yep. You might want to go check out the Writer's School, and in particular The Tail Tale. There's some good advice for new writers in the School. —Robotech Master 20:32, 29 June 2009 (UTC)

Hey, I go to that school! Really, it is very useful. Welcome to the pack, though I'm not officially in it yet, and have a good stay on shifti. I look forward to whatever else escapes from your brain onto the page. --Concerned Reader 00:27, 30 June 2009 (UTC)

Hmm...not a bad story, pretty good, in fact. But of course you've already heard that. But there are some things not too good about it (no offense). For example, this appears to be just a setup for the TF to happen: the introduction and ending are both a little hasty. It would be nicer if you could elaborate more on the story itself and less on the TF. Everyone's seen a dog TF before, but it's your storyline that's sets your story apart from the rest. It is the way you write the story that makes it special. So, what I'd suggest for your next story is concentrating less on the actual change and more on the story, the plot, the characters.

Oh, and congrats on getting the place in the Pack! ShadowWolf's a really great guy, and an excellent critic: I think you should pester him for a critique just like I did (don't tell him that I'm telling you: he'll kill me). This story deserved to get in. Write more soon! And yes, Writers' School is really useful. I go there a lot. :) --Drake, 08:27, 30 June 2009 (+0800 GMT)

A) Thanks for the praise and advice. When you say I should focus more on the story, might you by any chance be able to be more specific?

B) I went ahead and read The Tail Tale. It seems like the main idea is "focus more on what happens after TF and how it affects the main character's life." Would I be correct in thinking this? (Although, a lot of it seems to pertain to anthro TF, and that's just not something I'm interested in.) --Kenani 01:34, 30 June 2009 (UTC)

Well, when I say that, I more or less mean something along the lines of an introduction that elaborates on the relationships, life, and personality of the main character. For example in this case, you could start off with, say, Alan being rejected by Tabitha, or maybe him seeing Tabitha mourn her dog (you mentioned that it died). You could also elaborate further on the descriptions of people, places, objects. Instead of writing so many words on the TF itself, you might want to consider writing a little more on what happpened next.

In this story, it feels as if the intro was rushed, just to introduce the TF itself quickly. I don't see much descriptions of the environment, like the soft tinkling of the bell or a layer of dust on the objects, etc, etc. And right after the incident at the shop, Alan just uses the talisman, without even considering the consequences. Maybe you'd like him to, say, examine it closer, consider what might happen, wonder how it might work? But if this was meant to be a short story all along, then the above could actually be disregarded, because short stories often end very abruptly (cliffhangers, which I like). Still, the main thing should be about the character and his life before and after (like in the Tail Tale), and not just a TF.

Anyway, you really should ask ShadowWolf to critique this properly. I'm a weak excuse for a critic, seeing as I've only got a couple of stories and less than a year of experience. :)--Drake, 10:16, 30 June 2009 (+0800 GMT)

I think you've pretty much covered the basics, Drake. Expanding the story through character development isn't a bad thing, and would surely help the story have more emotional bounds. As it is now, it's a pretty good story; but, with some expansion, It could be a great story. As he looses his mind after the change, I would focus on his character before, and her character after. It doesn't really matter if the change is to an anthropomorphic form, or completely to an animal, the same basic rules apply. I would definitely wait for ShadowWolf to drop back in and leave his comments. He is the number one editor around here, other than Cubist, and has helped many an author on their way, most of us included. --Concerned Reader 04:15, 30 June 2009 (UTC)

I added a few sentences to the beginning and two paragraphs to the end. Am I going in the right direction with these? --Kenani 05:14, 30 June 2009 (UTC)

Definitely. Good job on the edits. With my limited knowledge of writing, I really can't think of anything else at the moment. --Concerned Reader 05:30, 30 June 2009 (UTC)

Critique

Not much to say here, really. You took the advice that was given and ran with it, enhancing your already well done story. But since it seems to be expected of me, lets see if I can come up with some good advice…

The opening paragraphs are a major infodump—they slow down the story and there are some better ways to do the same thing. I'd suggest doing some setup with scenes at the school or other places where he might run into her and show the characters instead of telling the reader about them. By showing the bits you'll add length to the story, have a chance to get the readers involved with the characters and the infodump will be destroyed.

In your third paragraph there is another form of an infodump—but this one would be hard to destroy and would be better handled by mitigating the effects through minor re-phrasings. It needs to be broken up into several paragraphs—a break where you have Alan's thoughts, a break for the change in phrasing afterwards ("Still, it was worth a try" would better fit the "voice" you are using rephrased and made part of Alan's thoughts), etc…

Overall the exposition before the in-store dialog is too "passive"—it is decent, but you do a good job with the passive voice. It would be more engaging for the reader if you used a more active voice and engaging the readers is a good thing.

Your dialog is good and kinda fits with the setting, but you could vary it. Since you have the Wizard wearing a suit instead of a bathrobe I'm going to assume you are using the "new" SRU wizard and not the classic one. But I guess the whole "I'm a wizard" bit is tradition…

After the break you go back to the passive voice… I'd suggest rewording it in a more active form—perhaps shifting to the present tense. If you do that, then you can carry it through the end. That would help make a distinction between the two parts and would be the perfect lead-in for the end.

When you finally get to the transformation you run through it. I'd have done more to show how it progressed and maybe even had Alan fight a bit to retain his mind as the spell worked to fully transform him into a puppy. But that, above all else, is personal preference.

In all, however, you do a wonderful job of characterization with Alan and the story is a wonderful read. I'm happy to have added it to the Pack at three stars. -- ShadowWolf 11:31, 30 June 2009 (UTC)