User talk:JonBuck/Eve's Apple

The start of this story is inspired by something that happened to me coming home from the 1999 Bash. It was the worst travel nightmare I've ever experienced. First, the TN weather and having 54 other people at Rabbit's house made a regular eating schedule impossible. I got very sick, and as he was taking me to the airport (I was the very last to leave) I got heat exhaustion and dehydrated, missing my flight. Ended up at Vanderbilt Medical Center because I was literally fainting inside the truck on the way there.

We tried again that night, but the weather had turned bad and it was likely I'd miss my connecting flight in Houston. So I ended up staying another night.

When we tried again the next evening, there were more storms, more delays. But my connecting flight was delayed also. I took a gamble and tried to meet my connecting flight. Didn't make it.

Spent the most grindingly boring night in an airport, not sleeping. Empty airport. They upgraded me to first class, at least. This turned out to be important. Because after the plane left the gate we were stuck on the tarmac for over two hours as another storm passed overhead.

Finally got home at 3pm. Promptly went to bed and slept for 18 hours. It's been endless story fodder ever since. --Buck 01:12, 3 August 2008 (EDT)

This storys really got me hooked. I love all the little details that you put in, I'm about a two hundred pound, six foot guy too but unless I actually consciously think of it I don't think of myself as being all that big.

--Devin 02:09, 22 August 2008 (EDT)

Unclarity

The freelance photographer sighed and grumbled at the airline, and the weather. And if his five thousand dollars in equipment made it to Seattle before him without things going missing. Little things like lenses and camera bodies. Even rune-etched commercial magelocks needed a master key for the TSA these days. And more than a few of them engaged in some quite complex theft.

The connection of the second sentence to the first is rough, maybe a word or two missing... like "And wondered if..."? And in the last sentence I've quoted here, you need to make it clearer who "them" is. TSA employees, I guess, but it's not perfectly clear. --Trismegistus Shandy 19:47, 6 October 2008 (EDT)

pronoun and verb don't agree

They had spoken with the airline, and was with the pre-board group. That was still at least a half hour away.

awkward construction

.....I want you to come away from this in a positive light and not a body horror.

There's something very awkward about that clause; I don't think you can fix it with just a word or two tweaked. Maybe something like "I want you to see this experience in a positive light, not as a horror"....? --Trismegistus Shandy 20:12, 6 October 2008 (EDT)

But if she was going to find her own way they seemed a good starting point.

It's not clear what the antecedent of "they" is. --Trismegistus Shandy 12:18, 7 October 2008 (EDT)

Of those she had chosen, a woman feeding pigeons.

I'm not against judicious use of sentence fragments, but this one just doesn't work in its context. --Trismegistus Shandy 13:54, 7 October 2008 (EDT)

misc typos

If you want to make me feel like a woman for he duration, I... er..."

She watched as Irene poured ....

... preferring more visual mediums.

probably "more visual media"

She was hardly the pettiest girl in the building anyway.

There were gays bars, and then there were Bloomer bars, .....

probably "gay"

And I'm going learn to be a good mother."

missing "to"?

I'm not ready to date or have sex with man.

missing "a"?

.... that during the initial weeks on conception made life difficult, ....

....a pink "I {heart} Seattle" camisole.

you could use the Unicode glyph ♥, ♥ --Trismegistus Shandy 13:28, 7 October 2008 (EDT)

When they finally arrived back at Irene's place ......

She didn't want to any more about being a woman right now.

missing word?

And viola!

should be "voila", maybe italics voila

...or do I have to bet really pissed?"

"get"?

:)

Ilene's richer than Creosote,