Talk:My problem with girls
Hmm...
Not much to say, but Put comments here seems kind of mechanic...
So yeah please comment.
Please??
Don't feel too put off if no one comments. I got about three maybe even four storys in when I was just starting before I even got a single email.
What I will say though is that theirs not really any meat on these bones. What I mean by that is theirs not a whole lot to comment on besides basic grammar and spelling.
We had won. Barely.
We had won, barely.
/
Later after dinner I decided I would get Lace
later and after dont need to be back to back.
Later I decided
or
After dinner I decided
would work better and look less cluttered
Lacey came running into my room. She held up my spider.
When you use two sentences like you did here its supposed to be describing two events of note but the way it is writen it could be put as just a single sentence.
Lacey came running into my room holding up my spider.
I'm also noting a lot of use of the the word 'then'. Its nothing really major but listen to these two sentences.
Scott left. Then I waited. A few minutes later I got out and did the deed. All that was left was to wait and then go to lyods house.
After Scott left I waited a few minutes. I got out and did the deed. all that was left now was to wait before going to lyods house.
A lot of these sentences can be merged together to form single more fluid sentences. Try saying them out loud when you write them.
Other than that not a whole lot I can tell yah, besides that commentary is good but nowhere near as helpful as plain old practice.
Oh and if you REALLY want commentary another trick I learned is to to go to great lengths to comment on and edit other peoples stuff in order to guilt trip them into doing the same for you*joking!*. XD
--Devin 22:45, 13 September 2007 (EDT)
Set the Scene
The best advice think I can give you is to set the scene for your reader. You have a lot of dialogue, but little else. Create an image for me. --Buck 02:30, 14 September 2007 (EDT)
Thanks for the suggestions guys. I've done most of the changes and will put the rest of what I've written up as soon as I get a chance. I'm also going to be revising the one thing I didn't do which is the descriptions. I feel obligated to tell you that this was started along time ago, which is why I'm putting it up slowly. I want each piece ripped apart so that I can fix all my numerous faults.
Raven
Coming back
Obviously I haven't been on here in awhile.
With my schedule, I need someone to help me co-author, if someone is able.
If you have ideas, please give me some support so I can finish this!