Talk:Unequal Share

Bad, Bryan, BAD!

You violated one of the MAIN rules of writing -- switching POV.

In the first paragraph you are writing from the POV of Tess: "The tea was cold by the time Tess finally pulled her attention out of the slim booklet she'd been perusing." This is written as though written from a point inside of Tess's brain, writing as though she was telling/experiencing the story.

By the third paragraph, you're writing from Maxwell's POV: "He'd of course suggested various better arrangements in the past - keeping a hot teakettle present, delaying the delivery of the tea - but she was almost superstitious about tea and how it was served."

Bad, bad, BAD!

Of course, a CASE should be made that the first sentence is from Maxwell's POV as he assumed her attention was pulled out when she moved her head. But, it is, to me, only obvious in retrospect and after banging my head against the wall for a few minutes. If you want to fix it, or try to, maybe make the first sentence something like "Maxwell held the tea, long cold by the time Tess finally pulled her attention out of the slim booklet she'd been perusing to look at him." There it is FIRMLY from Maxwell's POV.

And, sadly, the reset isn't much better. To me it reads like a hodgepodge of chaos shoved disorderly onto whatever shelf was handy. You have the huge background, mention other people, add lots of detail about clutter and antiquities, all to explain why the pot was there. You could have had the pot there FAR simpler and clearer.

And, even worse, the TF itself-- I don't know why, but it was just confusing when I read it. Maybe there were too many details yet too few? Or you tried to make it mysterious? I'm not sure. But, I think it, at least, needs to be strongly edited.

And, then you skipped all the riddles! Sheesh! How can you have sphinx's without RIDDLES?!

Bad, Bryan. BAD! - 21:37, 4 April 2008 Michael Bard

The reason for all this is that I wrote it all in a three-hour sitting, purely for the sake of getting to the one scene in that image that had inspired me, when I really should have been working on something else anyway. Maybe I'll do editing on it some other time when I don't have other obligations pressing. In the meantime, would you like a refund? Bryan 19:02, 4 April 2008 (EDT)

Maybe I was a bit harsh there -- sorry, I didn't mean to be. I just couldn't believe that you would do something like this. I think that got under the skin way more than it should have. Sorry... Still, I always proof anything before posting, even if it is a quickie just written in a few hours. Still... at least I didn't see any grammatical errors...  :) (P.S. I was not trying to hide my identity, signing it just completely slipped my mind. Thanks for that corection) [[User:Michael Bard|Michael Bard\\ 19:26, 4 April 2008 (EDT)

Well, I did reread and spellcheck it. But I admit to being somewhat taken aback by your reaction (and offended, but I'll recover :). I can understand not liking a story, but not liking it to such a degree that you're berating the author to his face for having written it is puzzling. What got under your skin about it? There has to be more to it than a somewhat ambiguous POV, a confusing TF scene, and a sphinx who didn't tell riddles - those sorts of failings are fairly routine in the world of online fiction. I'm guessing perhaps the scenario held promise of something you were interested in seeing but then failed to deliver? I know how disappointing that can be from my own experience. Bryan 20:07, 4 April 2008 (EDT)

I think it was the combination that did it. The utter disbelief that you could make a mistake like that, combined with that being one of my "pet peeves", was probably enough. The "berating" part was supposed to be tongue in cheek -- but, yah, it didn't quite come out that way...  :( Michael Bard 21:26, 4 April 2008 (EDT)