Talk:The Mandalorian

Copyediting? What is this copyediting of which you speak?

Mando'ad jettii! Ori kandosii. Ka'taylir Mando'a, ori'jate. Etain's bal Darman's ad's ad ge'verd ori'buyce, kih'kovid? (Ni cuyir tracyn'la Mando'a.)

....In other words, hey a Mandalorian Jedi! Very cool. To know Mandalorian is very good. Etain's and Darman's grandchild is a Sue? (I am terrible at Mandalorian.(And that wasn't a literal translation, either.))

More seriously... I think I'll hold back on reviews/edit stuff until you think you're done. As a note... Star Wars's main ecumenopolis is spelled Coruscant. I haven't read much on the Confederation-Galactic Alliance War, mostly because I hate Jacen Solo's guts and I don't like how everything is getting Darker And Edgier, but I do know about the temple the Alliance put there. The academy by that point was on Ossus.

A good place for resources is Wookieepedia.

Nar dralshy'a. Joysweeper 14 October 2007 (EDT)

As promised.

That first paragraph is a bit of an infodump. Exposition can be good, but I think it's better to start with a hook of some kind. Like a line of speech, or a thought, or action, or your character shifting because some element of the costume is uncomfortable. Hmm. It should be, you know. The official Star Wars fanzine has this one interview with Temura Morrison, and he complained about how hot and sweaty Jango's helmet got when, for example, filming the Kamino Landing Platform for AotC. Specifically, he said "I'd breathe and it would fog up and I couldn't see anything. I also couldn't hear anything inside it, so I'd be standing there, wondering if they'd said 'action!' or not." At some point his stunt double arrived and he said "Here, mate, here's my helmet. You stick this on and go get wet for two days!"

Other interviews mention that David Prowse could only see for a few minutes at a time in Vader's helmet, and smaller parts back this up : These helmets just aren't comfortable. The 501st - yeah, I know, I'm a little obsessed about them - tend to spray eyepieces with something that has anti-fog properties and put fans in their helmets, but that's not a complete solution.

Motion also isn't so easy. In the same interview, it's mentioned that the Jango stunt double wore a softer version of the armor "for a wider range of motion and to prevent injuries from its hard edges." It looks damn good, but it's not as easy as it might look. Why red and black, too? What significance does that have other than looking Sithly? Mandalorians choose the colors of their beskar'gam for a reason. Sometimes it's personal preference - according to The Clans of Boba Fett, blue and green are especially popular - but sand-gold represents a quest for vengeance, while black is for justice.

Oooh, yeah. Almost forgot. Mandalorian iron - beskar - is already resistant to lightsabers. Cortosis would only weaken it. This is what comes of being an obsessive fan...

So mention that he's getting a little sick of the onion in his breath, or he's all slimy with sweat, or he's hungry or something doesn't quite fit. Try to get your audience to empathize a bit. Maybe you should add a few lines where he thinks about why he's in this costume - does he love Star Wars? Yes, it can be easily seen that he does, but in this instance you might want to elaborate on it a bit. Maybe he's ignoring discomfort because he's just that big a fan.

Mando'ade and Mandalorian need to be capitalized every time. Proper nouns; treat them as such.

Replica starfighters. That's cool - describe the courtyard. Open air? Is it floored by tiles or turf? Who is there, more Star Wars fans?(We really need our own name, like Star Trek fans are 'Trekkies'.) Any time a fan brings something big to a convention, like Jar Jar in carbonite, there's a big fuss from the other fans, people getting their pictures taken with it, that kind of thing. I don't see that two full-sized replicas would go unnoticed.

Personally, I think the snubfighters would get cordoned off, and people would wait in line to pose and get pictures. Perhaps that's where Jason was when the Event happened. I know it's frowned upon to suggest rewriting parts of a story. If you do, finally coming to the head of the line is a good place to start the tale.

The paragraph describing the replicas is a bit disjointed. Average people will be put off by the jargon; most of them don't know a T-65 from a Headhunter. Mention the X-wing, mention the Eta-2, then tell your audience which one Jason prefers.

"When the world changed." Describe that. Everyone writes the Event differently - did he black out? Fight to keep from vomiting in the helmet? Did it hurt, did it feel good? Details, man!

The paragraph right after that starts with a run-on sentence. Put a period after "beside me". "It was the symbol of the Mandalorians namely stylized skull of a mythosaur." Um. Put a horizontal slash(-) after Mandalorians and a "the" after namely.

"the thoughts and feelings of all of those around me came into my head through the Force" Details, details! As headblind, writer and reader alike have no idea what that's like. Describe what you imagine : is it countless other minds dunning into his? Does it hurt? Does it threaten to overwhelm him, does he clap his hands to his head and only remember training when he hears crushgaunts hit buy'ce? Make him sweat, make him gasp in confusion. Make the audience sympathize.

And he turns his back on a Sith. Mando'ade are many things, but stupid? Why does he feel that tangling with Sith is not a job for him? That seems rather irresponsible. Does he sense something in the Force that tells him that the guy isn't a threat, and this confuses him? If the snubfighters are so close that he can see the color of the Sith's eyes, shouldn't he be a bit alarmed? Disturbed? And what about the other people in the room? What are they doing? Does he turn to his fighter because he doesn't know what else to do?

While the engines are warming up, why doesn't he just complete the pre-flight checklist and leave right then and there? Yes, as a reader I know it's so that he can get his mind back, but he needs a reason. Why does he descent into the chaos of the con? Give us some reasons, otherwise it makes no sense. Then take a bit of time to describe him moving, so we have some notion of time passing and ground being covered. Have him thread around a few people screaming or bashing things, make him jerk his carbine and almost shoot some people, get him to jump aside to avoid being knocked over, make him swim through a large group going in a different direction, stress him a bit. If his Force senses are keyed up, describe what he senses.

I usually give my Force-Sensitive or psychic characters some form of synesthesia - their Force senses are tied to physical senses, so a certain person, even disguised, will come across as associated with a particular color or temperature or flavor.

Are these the clones I mention in my Revan saga? Cool. I've never had an acknowledgment before. They're not all in Phase One armor, but hey. Oh, and write a reaction when your character sees them. He should be surprised at the least, disbelieving. Why does he approach? What the first trooper says - it's bad of me, but I think it should be shorter. Put an exclamation after 'General', or just beg for orders. And simplify the sentence immediately following that.

Why would the trooper assume everyone there was a civilian, if they'd just been pointing their rifles at all and sundry?

Personally, I don't think you need to explain why he used Mando'a to talk to the clones. It could have been a word he said automatically, and then he remembered that some clones might know some of the language. It just seems wordy to me as is.

You need to put the entrance of the MIB in a different paragraph. Again, describe chaos so we get a sense of time and distance. Surely the agents wouldn't have just ignored the troopers had they come across them, nor would the troopers ignore the scene had it occurred close by.

The next exchange looks good(there should be commas around Kay, and a comma after the next said), until we reach “You really thing that there is more to me than a simple Mando’ad Jedi Knight. Can you prove it?” I suspect he's being sarcastic about the 'simple' part, but you could make that more clear. Oh, and "thing" should be "think".

“What do I need to do? And if you intend deceit I will be able tell if there is deception in you by the currents in the Force.” Trim the second sentence. Maybe just trail "deceit" off with a dot dot dot[...]; as Canderous Ordo says, "Mandalorians don't make threats. We make promises."

His response to “We’re here to straighten out this mess” also looks awkward. This is this fic’s first mention of stormies, and he hadn’t reacted to seeing the clones at all. Maybe you should make it less specific. Like just “This mess? I saw clone troopers…”

His next line would be more effective without the “In a way you’re right”, I think.

Good… wait, the MIB just handed the Neuralizer over? Hmm.

I think you should detail the bit where he gets neuralized. At the least, make a paragraph break, and then he blinks and says “Oh” or something. A couple of earlier examples of neuralized folk actually reverted straight back to pre-event, without memory of what they'd been doing or that they'd changed. You might want to indicate that he’s found the happy medium between that state and full mind change. That, or make it so he didn't go through a complete mental TF, and have him remember on his own when the agents confront him.

…Jason Hamilton the fourth? Umm… well, whatever works best. I’m assuming he was named after some ancestor. *shrug*

Don’t put a question mark after kid. Axe ‘but’ and start a new sentence after “going on”. He left a detail of clones? I didn’t see that earlier on. As far as I saw, he just came across and told them not to stab/kill anyone.

Yow. The Ambassador Suite? Betcha someone steals it when it’s left unoccupied. Must be absurdly rich… what was he doing at Xanadu? Was he alone? How old is this guy? What's his alignment?

Ah. The starfighters were in the hotel courtyard, or a Xanadu courtyard? Open to the sky, too? Hmm. It might be good if you’d detailed this earlier on.

So, is the astromech talking, or is this text appearing on the fighter’s display screen? A vocabulator isn’t at all standard for astromechs; usually, like R-2 D-2, they speak Binary. The exceptions tend to be annoying. Your character might or might not understand droidspeak, but if Gett’ad is speaking Binary you might just want to say that it trilled. Having the Basic/English speaker repeat back what has been said in a different language is pretty classic Star Wars.

Capitalize knighthood. After you finish the sentence about Hardpoint Squadron you ought to start a new paragraph. Axe “However” from the next sentence, get Jason to sober up a bit thinking about that. This will make it look a bit more… real.

Oh, right. At about this time, there would have been helicopters from the news and the military overhead, as well as assorted fliers from dragons to superheroes. You might want to give a nod to one of those, say that the skies are crowded or something.

You know, Bard once mentioned a half-finished story where someone actually became Trek’s Enterprise. If Jason’s heading off into orbit, you could give a nod to the various other stuff up there – get him to see that there are artificial satellites around, but he ignores them for whatever reason.

Why is he meditating, and what's going through his head? Is he resolving some inner conflict? Try and make the audience sympathize, add a touch of angst, make him think about all the people he thinks he’ll never see again. You don’t need to detail them, but have him think back, at least. Make him lonely. Writing is more interesting when characters are like us.

Make a new paragraph for the comm contact, get it to interrupt meditation. After he hears the comm, then he sees the Eta-2 on approach. And both seem a bit too… nonchalant. They are in space, after all. Someone should aim lasers at someone else. Why was Jason followed up?

“Managed to redeem myself”? I don’t know… it’s not that easy. Why not just say that he isn’t really Skywalker, and then mention that he doesn’t want to be a Sith?

Personally, I’d think Mandalorian Jedi would be a bit easier than Sith. But hey. *shrug* “Normal” Jedi? Since when are Jedi “normal”? Put a ‘many’ after ‘very’.

I think the next line could be rephrased. Instead of saying Darth Vaders(after all, Anakin became Vader before the suit), mention all the ones in that black suit or something.

Skywalker’s following line could also be revised. He couldn’t have seen everyone, after all, and that line implies that he did. A “the ones I’ve seen” would work.

Chief of State? I suppose, but that implies a rather minor governing role. Mandalore always seemed like more than a symbolic position to me, but hey, I know more about Neo-Crusaders with their Republic - threatening armies than about later versions. There were actually two Mandalores between Jango and Boba – Alpha 2(a renegade clone with some of Jango’s memories) and Fenn Shysa. Alpha 2 was there during the Clone Wars(he resurrected the Mandalorians and allied with the Separatists, which ended in the Mandalorians getting decimated), and Shysa(who served under Alpha 2 and was friendly with the Rebellion, also resurrected the Mandalorians... again) freed the Mandalore sector from Imperial rule, and his death twenty years later goaded Fett into taking up the mantle. But whether or not Jason would know that… the comic books are much harder to find than the novels. On the other hand, it's implied that he is absurdly wealthy.

The line starting with “Well for one thing” is definitely a run-on sentence. Chop it up. And the line immediately after that… could you rephrase after “I see what you mean?” I'm a Grammar Nazi. It bothers me.

He seems to have decided to trust this guy awfully quick. At the least, have him reach out in the Force or something. Was this guy a friend of his, and he can sense that at some level?

Where is this hardstand, this hangar? If he’s from the Canada that’s a good time to clue us in by mentioning a huge amount of territory covered, crossing the Great Lakes at fantastic speed or whatever. The sentence introducing his cell phone is a run-on.

For a worried mom, she’s awfully articulate. For that matter, Jason’s sentences could use more punctuation. And he’s already a friend with Skywalker? At least insert a “new” in there.

Oh, and if he sounds different his mom ought to ask if it’s really him, maybe right after he says “Hello?” He hung up on his mom? Yeesh. Is that his Character Flaw? Oh, and when did he pop the canopy and get out of the fighter? You need to mention that, maybe have him tell his astromech to wait before the cell rings. That would make the disobedience bit more amusing.

Ahhhh. So Jason is a Rich Idiot With No Day Job. [[1]] Who wants to sell advanced weapons. Wonderful. When is he going to realize that handing out high tech weapons to people who are going to use them on each other might be acceptable for a Mandalorian, but not for a Jedi? Sheesh.

Hmm. Also, snubfighters should be depowered when their pilots leave. And droids in most of the EU can’t get out of their sockets without help.

Why does he shake his head when he sees the car? Comma between expected and a. And rephrase the sentence immediately following that; it’s awkward.

Details, Oberon. Details. Does his mom look any different than when he last saw her, smaller or larger due to his perspective changing during the Event, does she look worried, or do the botox treatments put a permanent smile on her face? Make him react a little, wonder if she’ll accept him or kick him out. Punctuate said, make him raise his hands in a placating gesture, do something to fill that out.

Comma after Mom, after different, axe “well”. Have him indicate that this “comrade” is the one standing next to him.

His mom’s reaction to his costume… She knows too much. It seems logical that she would recognize it, but not necessarily know the bounty hunter bit. Maybe you should just have her ask what he is, reference that he likes Star Wars. And rephrase the sentence that starts with “In fact to Mandalorians”. If it was you, how would you say it?

You know the real reason why Jedi don’t usually wear armor? Armor means that they can’t use the Force quite as freely. Why does Gett’ad keep talking? Every astromech that speaks Basic in the EU is repeatedly described as annoying. You should at least mention that it’s got a nonstandard piece of equipment, if it’s got a vocabulator. And what happens to them then?

For two people who literally just met, Jason and Simon sure trust each other a lot. Maybe you should make them into old friends. The sparring match – spell it every time with two ‘r’s, otherwise it’s a completely different word – seems very arbitrary. If you want to keep the fight, at least make it so that he’s got a mental compulsion to spar, or something.

Well, you’ve got your Council right, as far as I can tell. Is your character from before the misbegotten spawn of Han and Leia murdered a member, then?

Jolee Bindo famously said that love can save you from the dark side – it’s passion that sucks you down. You may want to reorganize the sentence that starts with “In fact right now”.

Comma after well, before and after Jason, capitalize Jedi. It’s a proper noun, treat it as such.

Double-bladed lightsabers tend to be associated with Dark Jedi/Sith. Exar Kun, Darth Maul, Asaj Ventress. Bastila Shan also used one, and so do some of the “modern” Jedi. *shrug*

And why would Jason automatically assume that Simon had nothing better to do than accompany him back to Xanadu? Has he no family of his own?

I’d think that flight schedules would be disrupted by Xanadu. Think global effects – in this day and age, some people would assume terrorism, particularly if anyone from the con flew off and smashed things. People would be uncertain, so it’s not unreasonable to suppose that a lot of things ground to a temporary halt after The Event. There might still be flights going – the world keeps turning no matter what else is going on – but you should at least mention some difficulty.

Oh, Oberon. My dad is a pilot with Northwest Airlines. I’ve been on and off commercial planes since before I could speak. Carryon luggage put into the overhead compartment is run through an X-ray machine. When the walk-through metal detector goes off, everyone can hear it. It's loud and shrill, and a record exists. If you want Jason to keep his short lightsaber on him, get him to just take it out and treat it like a laptop or other accessory – it isn’t so much of a stretch to get him to convince one or two people that it’s harmless as it is to wipe the memories of everyone at a security checkpoint. I really have no idea what kind of scanning goes on with tagged baggage.

Break that paragraph up into at least two, and detail it. Then rephrase what Jason tells Simon in the next paragraph. Most readers won’t know that for Jedi, shoto are short lightsabers.

He’s planning to get futuristic weapons technology from Xanadu to sell to people and companies of Earth, yet he thinks flying a company jet is “an abuse of my position”? If he’s a character devoid of conscience and social responsibility, you might as well take it all the way.

Ten hours, huh? Where in Canada does he live? I happen to live rather close to the US-Canada border, close enough that we use Canadian dimes in stores and no one bats an eye. Last I checked, a flight from Detroit to Miami took somewhere in the vicinity of an hour and a half.

Break up that paragraph. It’s long enough that I glaze over while reading it.

Um. Oberon, I am a self-admitted perfectionist when it comes to writing. Don't take my bluntness for an attempt to offend; I've read far worse.

But you've got work to do. Characterization, details, time. Dialogue looks like your best point, but it too needs work. The only characterization on any of your characters is coming from the protagonist, and that's a stretch - he's coming off as a perfect jerk.

As far as I'm concerned, the characters are the most important part of a story. Make yours human. Make him suffer, make him sweat, make him question himself and others, give him warts, throw obstacles in his path that he can't just casually step over. It's more interesting if he can be identified with.

The neuralization IMHO, feels out of place, I know Xanadu is one of those things that shouldn't have many concrete rules or 'mandatory things everyone needs to mention' but I feel that you 'cheated' with the Neuralizer here with the new persona not being killed and the old persona being resurrected instead feels like 'eating the cake and having it too.'

Joysweeper 20 October 2007 (EDT)