Talk:The Fool in the Fox

Figured I'd hit you back. So far, I'm enjoying it. Its a well done introduction, and I like how you jump right into the day. None of this slow start stuff like mine. The frantic pace helps pull in the reader, and keeps them there until you've slowed down into the story. I also like how you use fox based measurements, instincts, and senses, instead of the fox just being thrown in as an accessory to the story. I'd tell you to keep up the good work, but you already are. I'll just sit back and wait for the rest, reading it as it happens. --Concerned Reader 03:58, 9 June 2009 (UTC)

Thank you very much for the feedback, I was a little concerned the beginning was leaning towards an infodump-type situation but I guess that wasn't the case. I should have the next little bit ready by thursday. --Lloyd

The thing is, and I noticed this with TBP, you almost always have to start with an infodump, because not everyone is familiar with the story universe. The way you did yours was good, as it followed the flow of the rest of the story. --Concerned Reader 16:40, 9 June 2009 (UTC)

Must say that I love how you have the character forget the full name of TFOR ('Transformative Failure of Ontogenetic Regulation'). The full name is quite a mouthful and doesn't, quite, make sense unless you know what 'Ontogenetic Regulation' is :) I was going to hold off commenting until you got a little more written, but decided to chime in now anyway. -- ShadowWolf 16:57, 9 June 2009 (UTC)

Stumped

To be honest, the part I've just posted is as far as I got in the planning stage. I'm not actually sure how to continue the story. Anyone have a suggestion?--Lloyd

Really, you've set yourself up with two storylines. Either the box contains a practical joke, or something for Gordon. As the package comes from a bakery, it could be a birthday cake. Though I don't know when Gordons birthday is. Really, the story needs a form of conflict to stay interesting. Now it doesn't seem like a swat team is going to bust in and shoot things, but a Man Vs. Self conflict could work out very well. Either with Lloyd deciding to introduce himself to the bar, or just leave and never give it a second thought. What might help, and did help me, is to make his bio sheet on the character timeline. That way you can plan out character quirks and other such things. That would also help us with story elements that he could react to. Something that might work is that Gordon starts contracting out to the bakery to cater to the bar, and later opening an expansion of the bakery as an addition to the bar, leading to a resturant type feel later. Something like that. Definitely make the character sheet though, as it might spark some ideas. I've enjoyed it thus far, I hope you can keep it going. --Concerned Reader 00:51, 12 June 2009 (UTC)

Blarg... still can't think of anything. I'm now certain that I want the box to be some sort of prank but I can't figure out what. I do know that I want the story to end with Jonas having a reason to come back but I can't think of why. As much as keeping the character pool small is a good thing in my experience, I'm not sure having Gordy as the recipient is a good idea anymore... Anyone have a suggestion? --Lloyd

If the box is indeed a prank, what kind of prank is just as important as who gets it. If it's from a bakery, it has to be some kind of confection, so it either has a lewd image in the icing, or the item is of joke origin itself. Like a bone shaped cake for a wolf/dog morph. I think it should be an erotic birthday cake for Gordy from an old acquaintance. As for the other characters, What is the year of the story? If it's after 2032 then Allan could be the recipient.--Concerned Reader 01:28, 22 June 2009 (UTC)

I'm still trying to get the timeline right, but this story is around 2034-ish so if you want Allan as the recipient then that'll be fine. Just need to figure out what's in the box. --Lloyd

Allan would be a regular by now, but I'm not sure what his appearance would be after 2032. If I go ahead with the symbiote idea, it could drastically alter his appearance. You work on the suprise, and I'll try and figure out who to give it to. --Concerned Reader 21:28, 22 June 2009 (UTC)

Here's what I've come up with:

• The box has a normal cake in it but includes a letter offering it as 'payment' in order to have Gordy get Jonas royally drunk. The idea was Melanie set it up in order to integrate Jonas into the Whistle as part of a business strategy, though this seems highly convoluted.
• The box is for a feline-morph rather than Gordy and when opened it releases a cloud of catnip, the latest result of an ongoing prank-battle.
• The box explodes and reveals something stupid (like a rubber duck), or just sprays icing everywhere.

I'm aware that these aren't the best possible ideas, and I can't think of a way to use any effectively. --Lloyd

Eureka!

Ok! I've figured out how to proceed! Now, I think the next part of the story will work better if it involves an established character rather than a throwaway generic so... who wants to have a cake explode in their face? --Lloyd

Well, if the victim were Allen, the explosion would cause his heart rate to spike, forcing a phase shift. Thus whoever was around him would get hit. Other than that, I don't know about who else is established at this point. The main choices from the collab are Alex, Rosa, and Scott. I don't think Coati would be one to get jokes in the mail, and Rosa is fairly new to the bar herself, so it could be an introductory joke on her. It could even lead to friendship between Jonah and Rosa. --Concerned Reader 03:15, 27 June 2009 (UTC)

Okay, so I'm not too familiar with the setting. But I think a plausible idea would be to have Jonas open the box, and have nothing happen. Just an ordinary-looking birthday cake or something. Then Jonas insists that the recipient of the cake, Gordy, cut the cake, because it was addressed to him. When Gordy cuts the cake it As Splode, blowing icing and stuff all over him. Then he blames Jonas, thinking that Jonas must have known that cutting the cake would trigger the trap, because Jonas insisted that Gordy cut the cake. But of course Jonas didn't know anything. And then there goes your conflict: between Jonas and Gordy. End it however you see fit. For added effect, the icing that sprays over Gordy can have a bad side effect: like an allergic reaction or something. --Drake, 12:44, 27 June 2009

Actually, I'm probably going to change the target to someone other than Gordy, since giving the person who serves you drinks an exploding desert doesn't seem like the smartest idea. I think I know how to do it for Allan though, is it alright if I use him? --Lloyd

It's fine with me. If anything about him changes, we can retcon it into your story. I don't mind him being the recipient of an exploding cake, that's exactly why I created him; so that other authors would have an established character in the bar. If you have any questions about him, let me know. Other than that, you have the go ahead!--Concerned Reader 14:55, 27 June 2009 (UTC)

Alright! Cake explosions! Well done with your descriptions, though you might want to mention Allan's watch reacting to his change in heart rate. As for what follows, I believe Allan, being the gentleman he is, would offer an apology and towel to Jonas.

Very nice. I think you captured Allan's voice very well. I was going to suggest that he fall through the chair, but you seemed to have figured it out on your own. I repeat, very nice! --Concerned Reader 20:50, 27 June 2009 (UTC)

Critique, Criticism, and Shameless Self-Flattery

Since I should be done this story in the next day or so, assuming I don't procrastinate any more than I already am, I figured I'd just make this heading now rather than later. I'd appreciate if people reading this story could keep an eye on my dialogue, as it is something I've always had trouble with, my use of qualifiers, and any repetition that may occur as these are issues I can never seem to fully weed out of my writing on my own. --Lloyd

When it's done I'll give it the same look I've done for a couple of WolfyDrake's stories. I promise not to be too harsh, but I also won't pull punches. -- ShadowWolf 16:33, 28 June 2009 (UTC)

On that note, I've just thought of something else for Allan to say.

"Hey, don't sweat it. The first time I was in here, I was so nervous, the drinks went right through me."

He he he. Humor. --Concerned Reader 17:58, 28 June 2009 (UTC)