User:Posti/Totally Pucked

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     Author: [[User:{{#ifeq: User |User| Posti | Posti}}|{{#ifeq: User |User| Posti | Posti}}]] [[Author::{{#ifeq: User |User| Posti | Posti}}| ]]
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   {{#ifeq: {{#ifeq: User |User| Posti | Posti}} | |
     Author: {{#ifeq: User |User| Bob Stein | Bob Stein}} |
     Author: [[User:{{#ifeq: User |User| Posti | Posti}}|{{#ifeq: User |User| Bob Stein | Bob Stein}}]] [[Author::{{#ifeq: User |User| Bob Stein | Bob Stein}}| ]]
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     Authors: [[User:{{#ifeq: User |User| Posti | Posti}}|{{#ifeq: User |User| Posti | Posti}}]] 
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   {{#ifeq: {{#ifeq: User |User| Posti | Posti}} | |
     Authors: {{#ifeq: User |User| Bob Stein | Bob Stein}} |
     Author: [[User:{{#ifeq: User |User| Posti | Posti}}|{{#ifeq: User |User| Bob Stein | Bob Stein}}]] 
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}} {{#if:| — see [[:Category:{{{category}}}|other works by this author]]}}

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“Now that is one choice piece of ass!” Billy leered at the classy broad who was frowning at bottles further down the Beer and Wine section. Definitely not one of Piggly Wiggly’s regular customers. Tall, blonde, and hot looking, she had on a fancy white long gown that sparkled in the fluorescent lights.

The woman didn’t react at first, then straightened suddenly and gave him a cold look. “I hope you are not talking to me.” There was authority behind her voice – a sense of warning that Billy took as a challenge.

“Ain’t nobody else on the aisle, is there?” He looked her up and down very deliberately, enjoying the rich bitch’s obvious anger. “Chill, toots. It’s a compliment.”

“Oh, really?” The woman raised an eyebrow. “A compliment? What do you think, Robin?”

There was a giggle directly behind Billy, and he spun to see a scruffy-looking little kid grinning up at him. While the boy’s clothing looked expensive, it was wrinkled and out of place, and his blonde hair was a wild tangle.

“I bet he thinks it is!” Robin’s emerald green eyes twinkled. “Yeah, someone as ugly as him would think an ass is beautiful.”

Billy scowled and leaned down in a threatening manner. “Watch your mouth, kid. Around here, we take a belt to brats who don’t respect their elders.”

A look of astonishment crossed the boy’s face, then he exploded into laughter. “Oh, did you hear what he said? I wish Obie was here!”

The unexpected reaction threw Billy off long enough for the brat to scamper back to Mama. Probably just as well – backhanding someone else’s kid could get you in real trouble. He grabbed a couple of six-packs and looked back at them with a sneer. The kid was whispering something to his mother as he grinned back at Billy, probably something insulting given her smile and nod. Billy very deliberately held up one of the six packs and extended the middle finger of the hand holding it. That wiped the smirk off the bitch’s face.

Feeling triumphant, Billy turned to leave – then yelped and jumped sideways as the shelves next to him suddenly exploded! He fell against the freezer case on the other side of the aisle, dropping the six packs to protect his face with his arms. The entire area was drenched with warm beer, and it felt like a thousand BBs had been thrown at him.

“Shit!” He lowered his arms and stared at the mess. Every bottle and can of beer on the top row was blown apart, their contents splattered all over the area. It was a good thing he’d covered his face – his jacket and pants were covered with tiny shards of glass, and a few were sticking out of the backs of his hands. He looked towards the end of the aisle to see if the woman and kid had been hurt. They were gone. Then a pimple-faced clerk came running, followed by most of the other customers. Billy realized a golden opportunity when he saw it, and held up his hands. “I’m all cut up!”

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An hour later, he was heading home bearing the fruits of his performance. The paramedics had plucked out a half-dozen glass splinters and daubed them with disinfectant, but only one was deep enough to warrant a Band-Aid. Even so, he had a trunk full of free groceries courtesy of the store manager. Not to mention four cases of beer – premium stuff, not the cheap brew he usually bought. Things were going just…

The car suddenly started slowing, and red lights popped on in front of him. “What the Hell?” The engine had cut off. Frowning, he glanced at the gas gauge – it showed half-full. He shifted into neutral to coast and tried starting the engine again. It cranked over twice, then even the lights went out.

“Dammit!” Billy steered the old Chevy off the road and stopped. Another try confirmed that the battery was stone dead. He pounded the dash with his fist, then threw the door open and climbed out. Just great. It was close to ten – even during the day he’d have a hard time getting a ride. Nobody was gonna stop for him in this dark, wooded stretch of the road.

He needed to find a phone – Mike would be up, or maybe Carter. The Piggly Wiggly was about two miles back, but it had been closing when he left. One of those 24-hour convenience stores was about the same distance the other way.

Slamming the door shut, he thrust his hands in his pockets and started trudging along the side of the road. Piece o’ shit Chevy! Maybe he could torch it and claim insurance. Nah, he didn’t have that kind of coverage. He was still contemplating dire fates for the car when he saw light through the trees. It was too far away to make out the source, but glimmers of red and blue indicated some sort of business sign rather than a house.

What would be out this way? Billy hadn’t realized there was anything behind the trees but open fields. The light didn’t look very far away, and the convenience store was still out of sight. It was worth checking – he might save a couple of miles walking. Anyway, he needed to take piss.

Billy unzipped as soon as he was inside the woods and let fly – only to stop abruptly as he felt the warm liquid splash back on his hands and pants. Startled, he cursed and turned away from whatever he was hitting, only to have the same thing happen. Squinting in the darkness, he couldn’t make out anything in front of him. Backing away, he swept the ground with one foot to make the area was clear. A cautious release seemed OK this time, and he relaxed as this afternoon’s beer made room for the new brew in his car.

However, when he was done, his pants wouldn’t close back up. Billy yanked the stubborn zipper hard, only to have the pull come off in his hand. To make matters worse, his jeans were a bit small and the fly gaped open. He pulled his shirt out and let it hang out under his jacket, but that didn’t cover enough. Grumbling, he took off his jacket and tied it around his waist like an apron. That took care of the problem, though it looked pretty silly.

Disgusted, he headed for the colorful glow. Whatever the place was, he’d misjudged the distance. After a good five minutes of walking, it didn’t look any closer. Maybe he’d be better off going back to the road and finding the convenience store. At least he knew that was… where? Looking back, Billy realized he couldn’t see anything but trees. Which way had he come from? He tried listening for the sound of cars, but heard only crickets. Then he caught the faint rustle of leaves as something moved. Something close.

Billy looked towards the noise, but couldn’t make out anything. He backed away cautiously, then headed for the light again at a faster pace. Something dark flickered in the corner of his eye, but when he turned to look it seemed to melt into the shadows. There wasn’t supposed to be any kind of predators around here – the only large animals he knew of were deer. But a deer wouldn’t be stalking him. He started a quick jog, glancing back nervously. Could it be a dog? He’d never heard of -

Something grabbed at Billy’s right foot, throwing him forward. He stumbled and fell, twisting awkwardly to catch himself. Luckily, the ground was covered with damp, soft leaves and he missed hitting a tree. Scrambling up, he spun, expecting some sort of attack. And saw his tennis shoe caught up in some roots. At the same time, he became aware of less pressure and more air on his backside. His jeans had split wide open when he fell. A fresh stream of profanity was interrupted by the clear sound of a twig snapping. He jerked his head towards the source, and this time saw a large, dark shape that wasn’t part of the shadows.

Billy ran, stumbling over more roots, bouncing painfully off of trees. Low branches caught at his hair and slapped his face and arms. It wasn’t until he burst into a small clearing that he looked back. His gut clenched as he saw the dark shape approaching slowly. Looking around wildly, he spotted a fairly large branch on the ground and seized it. He raised it up over his head like a club as his pursuer moved out of the shadows – and giggled.

It was a kid. Billy stared, more shocked than if it had been a mountain lion. Not just any kid, either. It was the brat from Piggly Wiggly, though he’d traded his prep-school clothes for some sort of furry pajama bottoms. The boy grinned at him from the edge of the clearing, and held up a familiar shoe. “Lose something?”

Bewilderment turned quickly to outrage as Billy realized he’d been had. His pants were split, he’d actually lost both shoes and his jacket, and his arms and face were stinging from small cuts and bruises. His face twisted into a snarl. “You little ass! I’m gonna make you wish you’d never been born!”

The boy looked amused. “I wasn’t born. So that seems like a pretty silly wish, doesn’t it?” He tossed the sneaker off to the side, then regarded Billy with a grin. “You have a real preoccupation with asses, don’t you? Pretty unusual, since you obviously don’t have the slightest idea of what one really looks like.”

“Why don’t you educate him, Robin?” Another familiar voice came from behind Billy, and he turned to see Rich Bitch step into the clearing. She smiled coldly. “If such a brute can be taught anything at all. Just what are you planning to do with that branch?”

Billy realized he was still brandishing his makeshift weapon, and flushed as he dropped it. Then he remembered his state of near undress, and reddened even more before his anger returned. “Shit, lady! He’s lucky I didn’t kill him in the dark! What kind of mother are you, lettin’ a kid run half-naked through trees chasing strangers?”

There was sudden laughter, not only from the woman and boy, but what sounded like dozens of soft, high-pitched voices in the surrounding woods. Billy looked around in confusion, starting to get scared again. What the Hell kind of game were these sickoes up to?

Rich Bitch shook her head, still chuckling. “And what makes you think I am Robin’s mother? Or that he is only –half- naked?”

“See?” The kid seemed to hop into the clearing. “I told you it would be more fun this way. Besides, you know how much it upsets Obie when you kill a mortal.”

Billy felt his gut constrict. Robin wasn’t wearing pajama bottoms after all. No human limbs could bend that way, no matter how good the costume. From the waist down, Robin was some sort of sheep or goat. Billy’s mouth fell open, and he sat down suddenly as his legs gave out.

“As if I care about Oberon’s likes or dislikes? However, I must admit this is quite amusing.” The woman clapped her hands. “Come, my court! Let us observe as our wise and willful Puck educates this crude lout.”

Pinpoints of light suddenly appeared all around the clearing, flickering with color. Billy stared incredulously as the glow he’d been trying to find floated in from the woods. One of the lights drifted close enough for him to make out a vaguely human shape with wings as the source. His mind searched for explanations, and finding none, shifted into a kind of muddy neutral between bewilderment and terror.

Puck, or Robin, or whatever he was, stooped to gather a handful of dandelions, then pranced over to stand in front of Billy. Up close, it was even more obvious there was no costume involved, no trickery. From his vantage point, Billy had a straight-on view of bestial male parts nestled between flat, deep thighs. He flushed and averted his eyes downward to the cloven hooves that seemed too tiny to balance on.

Even the boyish appearance of Puck’s upper body and face was misleading. His eyes had no visible pupils – they were bright, swirling pools of blue flecked with gold. Small horns were just visible through the tangled blonde hair covering his forehead, and the tips of what must be pointed ears poked up on either side.

“Now for your education on the ass.” Puck grinned, revealing teeth that were more shark-like than human. “I saw this in a movie once.” Then he held up the wildflowers and blew their fluff into Billy’s face with a puff of grass-scented breath.

Jerking back instinctively, Billy blinked in confusion. The fluff made his skin itch, and he brushed absently at it with his hand. More high-pitched laughter came from the audience. What was so funny? A flicker of resentment made it through his bewildered fear. He was being humiliated in front of … well, whatever they were. The more he thought on that, the stronger his anger grew. This little bastard had him cringing like a whipped dog. Well, screw that!

Glaring at Puck, he pushed himself up and stood with fists clenched at his sides. To his great satisfaction, the audience fell silent, though Puck actually looked pleased. A small corner of Billy’s mind noted that he was hanging out in front and back, but he did his best to ignore that. Hell, these weird creatures were probably all coming from the bottom of a bottle that he didn’t yet remember drinking.

“This oaf actually has a trace of spirit!” Rich Bitch clapped her hands together in obvious delight. “How surprising.”

Billy spun around, his face twisted in anger, to shout out just what she could do with her ‘spirit’. “Haaaaaaaaaaaaw.”

He clasped both hands over his mouth, eyes wide, as fresh laughter broke out. It took a moment to realize that they wer laughing at more than just the noise. His mouth and nose felt swollen, and strangely fuzzy. Remembering the dandelions, he pulled at the fluff and found that it had somehow adhered to his skin.

“Lesson one, mortal.” Puck cocked his head slightly, grinning. “That’s the sound an ass makes. Speak again, so we know you have it down right.”

“Haaaawwww-HEE-haawwww.” Billy tried clearing his throat. “Haw-heeee-haw-hee-haw.” What had happened to his voice?

Puck grinned and nodded. “That’s correct. Now, Lesson Two. What are the long, furry things on the top of an ass’s head?” He pantomimed stretching the pointed tops of his ears up with exaggerated motions.

A moment later, Billy’s ears began to feel heavy, creating a curious bending sensation that migrated slowly up the sides of his skull. He grabbed at them, his fingers reporting thick, pliable flesh that flared up and out. Muscles pulled in his temples where none had been before, while sounds increased in volume and detail. When the sensation stopped, Billy still held the tops in his fingers, but his arms were fully outstretched. He pulled them down slowly, until gray-brown, furry tips came into view.

“I told you he’d be a good student, Titania.” Puck gestured elaborately with one hand, and what looked like a large blob of mercury appeared in the air. It flattened out vertically in front of Billy to become a perfect mirror. “See? You knew the answer right off the top of your head.”

Billy let go of the impossible growths and turned his head slightly from side to side as he looked at his reflection. His hair had filled in where human ears should be, and his skull seemed to have adjusted in shape slightly, making the new donkey ears appear almost natural. Leaning closer, he also saw that his face had developed a light coat of hair, white on his nose and mouth, and gray-brown to match the ears elsewhere. Even his eyes looked different, bigger and further apart.

“Oh, you’ve already guessed Lesson Three, haven’t you?” Puck leaned forward, this time moving his hands outward from his face. “What do you call an ass’s nose and mouth?”

No! Billy recoiled from the mirror, but it was already too late. He could see and feel the lower half of his face push outward, forming a broad, blurred protrusion between and below his eyes. His mouth stretched open as jawbones thickened and teeth shifted, deepening the long ‘haaaaaaaaw’ of despair that emerged from dark, thick lips. Scents became stronger, Puck’s slightly acrid animal scent mixing with earth, grass, and a stronger sweat-urine smell that he realized was his own smell.

He stumbled back, fingers probing a mouth far too deep and wide to be human. Nostrils flared, even the air tasting different on a broader, longer tongue. How could this be real? Billy looked around the clearing with wild eyes. The woman, Titania, was watching him intently with a slight smile, while Puck stood with hands on hips, grinning broadly. He should run, escape this madness. But then, the madness was right there on his face – how could he run from that?

The mirror still hovered in midair. As frightened as he was to look into it, Billy found himself drawn to the silvery disk. The image reflected back wasn’t quite a donkey – the eyes were wrong, the forehead too high. He reached up to trace the edge of a protruding eye socket, staring at the animal features with morbid fascination. Nothing recognizable remained. Yet instead of boosting his fear, Billy found it easier to accept whatever happened. This wasn’t him any more.

“Quite right, mortal.” Puck moved next to him, looking up with a thoughtful expression. “You have the answer, but it needs just a bit of embellishment for full credit. A little less here…” He made a downward motion with one hand. “and a tweak there.”

Billy’s skull deflated behind the jutting eye sockets, sculpted by invisible fingers that pressed and pushed until his head looked like that of a normal animal. Only his eyes remained partly human, though greatly enlarged and set in much more rounded sockets. He explored the changes with his hands. The gray-brown fur was surprisingly soft and thick, contrasting the coarse mane that ran back from his huge ears to end between his shoulders, and the bristly hair on his chin and lips.

The reflected image was somehow familiar – maybe something in a picture he’d seen once, maybe back in school. Or a political cartoon – one of Democrats. Billy wrinkled his nostrils in distaste at that thought, though there was a vague relief that he didn’t have an elephant’s head. Maybe it should be a pink elephant’s head, seeing as he was obviously bombed. That he couldn’t remember drinking anything was a nagging detail that he forced to the back of his mind.

“That’s the answer I was looking for!” Puck made a sweeping bow to the woman. “What say you, my Queen? Does our guest not have a fine ass’s head?”

“I suppose so.” Rich Bitch tilted her head critically, looking a bit bored. “It will at least be an interesting decoration for my wall.” She started to raise a hand.

“Wait, milady!” Puck leapt between them, striking a comical pose. “It would be sad indeed for this foolish mortal to meet his end still ignorant of his own nature. And there is great sport to be had in the telling of his tale.” He reached back and grabbed the stubby appendage that protruded over his furry butt and yanked with an exaggerated hop.

Billy jumped and brayed in surprise as something erupted from his own backside. More new muscles worked, these controlling a whip-like tail that emerged from the split seat of his pants. His reaction brought renewed laughter from the watchers, but Billy was more concerned with the exchange between Puck and Rich Bitch. A decoration for her wall? Meet his end? A cold chill of fear returned, though it no longer had anything to do with his current appearance. Rich Bitch was planning to kill him! And dream, drunk, or real, Billy had no desire to die.

She raised an eyebrow, then folded her arms. “By all means, Master Puck. Enlighten the fool. Though think not that you fool me.”

“I would never be so foolish as to try fooling the Queen over a fool!” Puck did a backflip, twisting in midair to land facing Billy. For just a moment, his broad grin became a harsh glare, and the swirling eyes conveyed a sense of threat, or perhaps warning. Then he hopped aside and spun to address the audience of lights. “What shall the next lesson be? Shall we teach him how an ass goes into hiding?”

Something Billy wished he could do right now. Except that part of him understood Puck was talking about something else. Hiding. How did that tie in with a donkey? It wasn’t until the itching started that he realized the answer. Hide. As in furred skin to match that already covering his face.

“Clever human! He provides the answer even before the question is asked!” Puck shook his head and ‘tsked’ with a mock frown. “But he might lose points for poor presentation. After all, we all want to see that he gets it right.” He turned to Billy with an expectant look.

What did he…? Oh! The little bastard wanted him to strip! Billy had to fight the flare of resentment – Hell, he was already hanging open in front and back. Besides, he had a strong feeling that his survival depended on cooperating. Grabbing his shirt front with both hands, Billy yanked hard enough to rip the buttons off. His chest was already showing patches of off-white fur, and the cloth dragged over new growth on his arms and back as he slid the garment off.

The dramatic action seemed to please the watching crowd, for they laughed again. He flung the shirt away, and undid his belt so he could shove the ruined jeans down to his knees. Stepping out with one leg, he used the other to sling the pants high into the air. Only to see them dissolve into silvery particles of dust before they hit the ground. Had Puck or the Rich Bitch done that? Did it matter? Swallowing, Billy hopped on each foot long enough to tug off the opposite sock and let them fall to the ground.

He was completely naked now, though the term didn’t mean quite the same thing as it might have before. Dense white fur covered his chest and belly, turning the same gray-brown as his head elsewhere. Only his fingers, toes, and genitals were spared, though the skin there was much darker.

“Very good.” Puck nodded in approval. “Now let’s try some audience participation. For his next question, our student will have to get someone else to answer for him. Tell me, mortal. What does an ass walk on?”

Billy blinked. That was easy. But how did he get someone else… ? His gut clenched. A donkey walked on four hooves. Not feet – or hands. He stared at his fingers, flexing the digits, then saw Puck give a slight nod and look towards the woman.

Oh, shit. Steeling himself, Billy turned and walked slowly towards Rich Bitch. She frowned as he approached, tightening the clamp around his gut. Puck had called her a queen. Billy made a clumsy attempt at a bow, then knelt before her like someone about to be knighted in an old movie. It took real effort to raise his arms up, presenting his hands for her inspection. However, he could not control the trembling.

She regarded him with slight smirk. “So, fool. At least you are wise enough to be afraid. Do you finally realize the magnitude of your insults? You should have been shredded by glass and metal, but Puck protected you. To give me sport, he claims, but his weakness for human fools is well known.” She reached out and took Billy’s hands in her own with surprising gentleness. “I believe you want me to answer for you?”

Billy’s fingers were suddenly crushed as her delicate-looking hands squeezed like a steel vise. He jerked back without thinking, but it was like he’d been riveted to a stone wall. The pain took his breath, overwhelmed thought. He worked his mouth in silent agony as searing heat melted the splintered bones and split flesh into solid lumps that took a long time to cool into numbness. When she let go, his arms flopped down, unable to support the weight of his new hooves.

She smiled down at him with obvious amusement. “Ah, but that is only half an answer, isn’t it? Turn around so I may give you full credit.”

Oh, God. Billy stared up, trying to find some trace of compassion in her deep hazel eyes, but found only the cold, dead stare of a shark. If he didn’t obey, he’d be dead. Not that there was any guarantee that he’d survive any of this anyway. More importantly, he was so drained he wasn’t sure he had the strength to move at all. It was tempting to put everything he had into a final gesture of defiance, to show her he was a man!

But he- wasn’t- a man any more. And to his shame, Billy found that he was more interested in living than any semblance of dignity. Moving slowly, he shifted unsteadily on forehooves and knees so that he faced away from her. He heard her crouch, then felt the deceptive touch of her fingers as they closed around his toes. Clenching his eyes tight, he braced himself as best he could. The clearing had fallen silent, even the insects ceasing their noise.

A sense of warmth started in his feet, then flowed up his legs and into his body. He blinked as strength returned, the gentle heat rejuvenating him and soothing the residual aches in his arms and shoulders. At the same time, his hips and knees pulled oddly, forcing him to back slightly as arms stiffens and seemed to push against the ground. Confused, he swung his head around to look just as Titania stood. His nostrils flared, drawing in the animal scent that was now pure donkey to match his body. She had completed his transformation!

“Your student does indeed learn quickly.” Titania stood, then moved to stand in front of Billy. “Remember this lesson well, beast. Obedience and service bring rewards. Anything else… ?” She smiled and let the threat hang in the air. “And now, Master Puck, might I suggest that the final lesson be administered by one of the other graduates of your unique schooling.”

Puck looked startled, then flushed. “I was not aware that the Queen had taken an interest in my… collection.”

“You mean you thought you had kept it a secret.” Titania smiled again, this time showing a trace of warmth. “Oberon might be a blind fool, but I know of every former mortal that now walks your woods on paws and hooves.”

Billy stared at the boyish creature he had thought was his only friend here, and felt his heart sink when he saw Puck’s grin.

“Did you have a topic in mind, my Queen?”

Titania smiled and nodded. “As well as the tutor. I believe that silly actor you tricked me with in England is still a healthy jackass? Summon him here now.”

Puck nodded, looking at Billy in puzzlement a moment before grinning broadly. “Ah! I had not noticed. My queen has a fine sense of humor to match her benevolent justice.”

What the Hell were they talking about? And what could a jackass teach… ? Billy’s eyes widened and he suddenly shook his hindquarters to find that he…no, she, was missing several expected parts.

“I believe the beast is ready for her final lesson.” Titania’s smile broadened. “She will demonstrate to us all how to be a ‘choice piece of ass.’

End