User talk:ShadowWolf/Death and Rebirth: Difference between revisions
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"I discharge a stream of plasma as I round the corner, the chaff burst drawing fire and blinding the men at the bottom of the stairs. When I hit the bottom of the steps, I crouch and fire five shots. Four bodies hit the floor. The fifth bullet makes a decidedly less fleshy impact on the sheet-rock behind them. "Dammit" I mutter as a crackle of energy rolls down my arm. The fifth target had dropped to the floor as soon as I had started firing. Rising from my crouch, I roll a 200 degree ball in his general direction. It leaves a long furrow in the floor, scorching its way towards it's victim. He had just started returning fire, still blinded by the chaff burst, when it detonated right next to his head. With a disturbingly wet pop, a two foot crater, and half a face where all that was left. The other half nothing more than loose ions in the air."? | "I discharge a stream of plasma as I round the corner, the chaff burst drawing fire and blinding the men at the bottom of the stairs. When I hit the bottom of the steps, I crouch and fire five shots. Four bodies hit the floor. The fifth bullet makes a decidedly less fleshy impact on the sheet-rock behind them. "Dammit" I mutter as a crackle of energy rolls down my arm. The fifth target had dropped to the floor as soon as I had started firing. Rising from my crouch, I roll a 200 degree ball in his general direction. It leaves a long furrow in the floor, scorching its way towards it's victim. He had just started returning fire, still blinded by the chaff burst, when it detonated right next to his head. With a disturbingly wet pop, a two foot crater, and half a face where all that was left. The other half nothing more than loose ions in the air."? | ||
Sorry, I got a bit carried away. That happens to me a lot. | Sorry, I got a bit carried away. That happens to me a lot. Either way, I like what you're doing. Please keep doing it. --[[User:Concerned Reader|Concerned Reader]] 15:41, 10 June 2009 (UTC) | ||
Revision as of 12:05, 10 June 2009
Small quibble, but you mispelled "skiing" as "skying".
- Page is a work in progress and is on hiatus. I have done no real editing on it yet. -- ShadowWolf 00:29, 28 May 2009 (UTC)
Plasma balls
Just thought I'd mention this. I'm enjoying the read so far, and definitely like the detail that goes into it, but it seems like your just kinda glazing over the plasma balls. I know the page is in flux, especially the fighting scenes, but describing throwing plasma like you would describe breathing just seems to lessen the impact of him being able to throw plasma. Maybe go into the feeling of the ball charging, or mention his hair raising on end. Much like Oberon did in Enter a Wolf. A kind of static-y feeling or something. I hope I brought across the point I wanted to, because I'm terrible at explaining what I mean. --Concerned Reader 16:55, 9 June 2009 (UTC)
- Oh, I know what you mean. Like I stated in the note, that section is in flux because I want to give it a much more "real" feeling than what I was able to get together from my original notes on that scene. And for the "distraction" ones it really is "as easy as breathing" - all he has to do is trigger that specific "reflex". In general though, thanks :) -- ShadowWolf 17:00, 9 June 2009 (UTC)
So it's like dumping chaff? As in,
"I discharge a stream of plasma as I round the corner, the chaff burst drawing fire and blinding the men at the bottom of the stairs. When I hit the bottom of the steps, I crouch and fire five shots. Four bodies hit the floor. The fifth bullet makes a decidedly less fleshy impact on the sheet-rock behind them. "Dammit" I mutter as a crackle of energy rolls down my arm. The fifth target had dropped to the floor as soon as I had started firing. Rising from my crouch, I roll a 200 degree ball in his general direction. It leaves a long furrow in the floor, scorching its way towards it's victim. He had just started returning fire, still blinded by the chaff burst, when it detonated right next to his head. With a disturbingly wet pop, a two foot crater, and half a face where all that was left. The other half nothing more than loose ions in the air."?
Sorry, I got a bit carried away. That happens to me a lot. Either way, I like what you're doing. Please keep doing it. --Concerned Reader 15:41, 10 June 2009 (UTC)