User:Thaeus/soj/e2

The Saga of Julia

Episode Two - "Umm ... Which Way is Midtown?"

SIX DAYS AFTER THE SUMMER SOLSTICE, 704 CR

"What?"

"You heard me! Which way is Midtown!"

"I don't know," said Tia.

"Dammit and there aren't any signs!"

Julia glared at the nonexistent signs.

Out of nowhere the girl blurted, "I am Tia!"

"Sorry, say what? Stop doing that!"

Tia gave Julia a nasty stare that Julia ignored without hesitation. She realized that her only remaining tactic at this point was to sigh and give up.

"So... Tia, because that is your name, as you've told me repeatedly, lets just stay here and wait for someone to come by."

"Fine. I'll nap."

Tia was tired; Julia had planned to spend last night at Laselle, but to Tia's disappointment and Julia's urgency, they left in a hurry. The sole lesson Julia learned from the rather short stop-over was that Lasalle had a population of nasty girls - even worse than those at the Keep, who regularly gave her odd looks while Julia attempted to apply her finesse with the ladies.

When they arrived at Laselle, the sun was already set, the air releavingly cool, and the local watering-hole filled to capacity. Julia, wanting a familiar environment and a chance to meet some decent women (as opposed to Metamorian canaries), immediately dragged Tia ("Julia! Sleep! Now! Come on!") to a bar called "Ye Olde Stinkhole".

The story of how Ye Olde Stinkhole got its name is one of the more endearing legends of the region:

Nearly 500 years ago, when Prince Ovid drove the Lutins from the Midlands, an enchantress on her way to ____(need name for a place. More details on that appended to the end of this e-mail, unless, of course, I forget, which is quite possible at this hour of the night. Anyway---)___ stopped at his encampment by the river, which earlier he had modestly named Ovid's Twenty-Third River (but that never took). His soldiers, recognizing her for what she was, took the lady to the prince's presence. She gazed upon him and saw that he was good. With a voice like that of the ancient gods, he asked, "What have you to tell me of my future?"

In reply, she told him to pick up three rocks from the ground. He did as he asked and handed her the tokens.

"This, the first rock, is a piece of granite. Your strength and might are as great and unstoppable as the mountains, and shall serve you well for all your life!

"This, the second rock, is a piece of jade washed down by the mountain river." He grunted but didn't say anything. "A great miracle is in your future, and it will be repeated in song and story for aeons!

"This, the third rock', is a chunk of hard moss that only looks like a rock. You should not wear gauntlets all the time, or you will never be married."

With the she nodded her head and vanished, reappearing a mile or so north of the camp, where a errant soldier was setting a snare. He leered at her and rudely asked her to take it all off. Recognizing his depravity for what it was, she did a blessing upon the world and transformed him into a benefit to society; a place of rest and relaxation; a place where wearied men can go for comfort. A tavern.

Unfortunately, he had a body odour problem.

Last night, while Tia sat bitterly in a quiet, dark corner underneath a mounted boar's head, wondering exactly what that omnipresent smell was, and when she would get to sleep, Julia systematically "put the moves on" every single woman possible. It turned out, much to her chagrin, that they were all canaries - in fact, they were worse than the ones at Metamor! Whereas they would only shuffle away, these cruel Laselleans insulted her! One even slapped her! The only woman in the entire bar who didn't reject her advances was an old crone (who, it's important to note, Julia did not put the moves on), who stared at her grinning like a perverted toad.

The general animosity, the bartender asking her to buy something or get out, and the old woman successfully drove Julia from the bar. She, with Tia in tow, headed out to kinder, gentler towns with kinder, gentler bars. Perhaps in Midtown...

Tia, stumbling along down the track, asked Julia questions about Metamor Keep in an attempt to stay awake (Julia was used to keeping odd hours and completely alert). Feeling a might patriotic, Julia answered all of them as best she could:

Metamor Keep was founded a long time ago by Prince Ovid, who did some stuff that isn't really mentioning and got killed for it, passing on the crown to Thomas the First, who apparently was a really nice guy and founded The Deaf Mule, although Julia didn't have a clue as to how he knew that Donnie would take over a couple hundred years later. Anyway, he fought a couple of wars, died, and passed the throne to Lord Thomas the Second, who didn't really do anything. Then some time went by and nothing really happened. Some more time passed, and nothing really happened, or nothing important anyway. Then Donnie's granddad discovered the secret of the good stuff, which must be brewed under the first full after the Autumn Equinox. A couple big parties were held. Afterward, Duke Thomas the whatever nearly executed Donnie's dad's dad for the breakdown in the social order of the Keep, so he promised not to brew anymore, but the secret was passed on to Donnie's dad and Donnie, who now makes it for his preferred clientele. Anyway, Duke Thomas the Fifth came to power and Julia was in his army, and that was a lot of fun. About three years ago that bastard Nasoj invaded. It was a glorious victory for the Metamorians. They thoroughly kicked his ass, and he left with his tail between his legs, although various other people also ended up with tails between their legs too. Julia remembered fighting twenty Lutins with her close, personal friend who is now an alligator. They completely humiliated Nasoj's elite force and single-handedly forced them out.

Anyway, after that Nasoj cast a spell that did weird, crazy stuff, and Julia passed out. She woke up a few days later with what felt like a nasty hangover.

That was the end of Julia's story. Tia had a suspicion that it wasn't quite accurate, and that it skipped over several crucial details, but she didn't know enough to say anything.

And while the sun creeped up over the edge of the sky, they came to a fork in both the river and the road. The track continued straight ahead, then one branch crosses the river to the river, and the other continued to the left. Immediately past the bridge on their side of the stream was a grove of evergreens, and the river bank beside was rocky and grassless. On the other side of the water and the bridge was a large rock with no symbolic or spiritual reason at all. It was just there.

And that brings us to where we began. Tia decided not to nap after all - instead, she wandered off into the grove, took off her boots, and dangled her legs in the river in the attempt to hold on to her battered consciousness for another few minutes.

It worked well. Unfortunately, the effect didn't last long. She slouched on her perch on the bank, eyes closed.

A cart came, heading south. Julia stepped out into the middle of the track and stopped the wagon.

The driver glanced through the trees. "Hey, help your friend!"

She looked over through the trees to where Tia was sputtering and splashing in the water.

"Tia," she yelled, "you alright?"

The girl splashed about in the water and grabbed onto the rocky bank. Julia couldn't see her face, but heard the reply: "I'm fine!", and traces of mumbling afterwards.

As Tia pulled herself up the bank, Julia turned to the driver, who was giving her odd looks. The clothes he wore were varying shades of brown, all faded, and on his head he wore a black hat with a very wide brim. His mule-led wagon contained a pile of several large sacks of grain from the farms of Lord Loriod hidden beneath a blanket.

"What are you doin' out here?"

A little blunt, eh? "We're on our way to Midtown. Do you know the way?"

"I'll give you two a lift," - he watched Tia walk up - "I'm goin' there myself. Hop on!"

"Much appreciated. Come on, Tia, climb on!"

"Is there anyone else with you?"

"No, no, just the two of us."

Tia, still soaking wet, hopped up into the back of the cart and ducked under the dusty blanket to get some shut-eye. Her companion, however, climbed up and sat beside the driver.

"Hello," she said, "I'm Julia."

"I'm Lawrence. Pleased to meet'cha. Tell her not to get the grain wet."

Julia had a few mostly ignored words with Tia, who was blissfully slipping into a midday nap. As she tried to get her point across, their host led his donkey down the left fork.

She gave up after Tia stopped snoring, and returned back to the front. Before she had a chance to sit down, Lawrence asked her exactly what she and Tia were doing out here alone: "So, what are you two doin'?"

It was about noon, and the sun beamed down like a benediction. The road they followed meandered calmly through the forested hills common of the Midlands. A giddy breeze flirted through the trees, dancing amongst the trunks, touching all the leaves, and jumping across the track. A few birds filled the air with competing bursts of song. From the back came the sounds of Tia sleeping rather uncomfortably.

Julia replied: "I'm heading south to Pyralis, but first I'm going to drop off Tia" - she gestured to the sleeping form - "in Midtown."

"Really? Why the __________ (MK synonym for hell) are you going down there? I heard they eat horses down there!"

Julia grinned. "When you're hungry, you're hungry, eh?"

Her host frowned and replied, "What's that supposed to mean?"

"Well, you know... well, it's not that surprizing, really... if it's true. More hygenic than eating rats, anyway. Nothing's coming to mind, but I'm sure I've seen weirder... okay, scratch that, I know I've seen weirder."

Noting the faraway look in her eyes, Lawrence smiled and knowingly said, "Ah, everyone says that 'bout their family."

A particularly loud snore came from the back.

Julia looked at the trail ahead. The road at this point was quite straight - the earlier foothills of the northern mountains had settled to a much more even keel, with the only ravines and ditches formed by rivers. The everpresent forest had chunks of farmland carved out of it, although she couldn't see any farmers about. The sun was high in the sky, and once again it was cloudless.

It was hot.

The road continued past a cottage on a field, and turned right at a patch of trees.

"Hey, are you sure she's from Midtown? I've never seen her before, and she looks kinda weird..."

"I dunno, she's not from around Metamor, that's for sure, she doesn't know that area at all, and-"

"Hold it! You mean you're from the cursed keep?!"

"You know, Metamor!"

"'Cursed keep'? What's that about!?"

He vaguely waved his hands about. "You know, the talking monsters, walking 'round like they own the place! I heard the king's a horse! And them nasty foul-mouthed children who spend all their time at the bars drinking and not doin' a decent thing..."

Is he talking about Ryerson? Man, I remember that night we got Donnie to let us play Down the Donkey, and after he kicked everyone out, a group of us got together and played that weird version of Thumper...

"...and that's why that castle is evil! And cursed! Filled with those nasty (and rather tempting)-" he stuttered "- seductoressesses, who l-lead you around and give you a tour and then take off like you were a mangy mutt! The way they laugh, the way they smile, the way they just shoot you down! Bitches!"

"WHAT!?" Julia yelled.

"WOULD YOU BOTH PLEASE SHUT UP!! PLEASE!? ohsomeonejustkillme..."

Tia stuffed the tarp in her ears and tried to get back to sleep.

In the meantime, Julia and Lawrence were getting into an argument, consisting chiefly of yelling vaguely contradictory statements vaguely related to Metamor Keep vaguely in the direction of each other - they refused to look at each other, so they stared vaguely at the road.

"Well," Julia launched, "for starters, don't use the 'B'-word! Women are treasures meant to valued! ...Well, the ones that aren't canaries, at any rate. I'm sure they're out there!"

She ignored his vague reply relating the women of Metamor to a run-away cat that periodically returns to leave a dead bird in the stables (which really was a stupid comparision anyway), and continued onto her next point:

"As for Metamor, the 'monsters', the children, and so on..." She paused for a moment and took a swig of the bottle she had appropiated the day before from Tia. "Well, it's all for a good reason! If it weren't for the Keep, that bastard Nasoj would be down here, tellin' us what to do, and makin' us farm, and..." She took another drink. "And we'd all be dead!"

She proceeded to make numerous accusations against Nasoj based on tales she had heard in Metamor and elsewhere, he continued decrying the castle as an abomination, and Tia slowly counted under her breath.

Eventually the two differing threads petered out.

"32742!"

"What was that, Tia?"

"Nothing!"