Gollum At Comic-Con

Excerpt from one Smeagol Gollum's statement to the police. A Xanadu story.

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. . . we wakes up hungry, in a strange new place. Our poor hand is hurting, precious, covered in half-molten goldses. It is not very pleasant, no preciousss!
So we goes looking for food. There is a cat and a mouse, and we try to grabs them, but a mean Man comes with an ax and scares us off, yesss. He callses usss a naked chimp-and-see, preciousss! We's never heard of chimpses before, what are those, gollum? Are they tasty?
We wander around a bit, precious. There are all sorts of strange thingses, yesss preciousss! Men made of metal, tiny dragonses, children of Her that dance in the air, elveses with wingses precious! We is almost stomped by a huge lizard Man, stinky rotted dead things chase us, we smell burning and hear screamses! Smeagol not like it, preciousss. No, not at all!
We find a pond full of fishses and dives in. There are strange people-fishses that we avoid, but mostly it is good. We like it there!
But then Men find us, precious, and try to cage usss! We squirm and bite, but they chainses us like nasty dogses. They bad to us at first, but then we speak and they are very surprised! They had thought Smeagol was an animal, gollum! And then they asks us our story and we tell them, precious, and now we's done.