Talk:Nothing Otter

Wolfy says...

Huh. I never quite like being the first one to review a story, but since I've waited a while and nobody's stepped up, I just thought I'd throw in my two cents' worth.

First: This is a story I enjoyed a lot. Your characters were well fleshed-out and interesting to follow; many a time I couldn't help but smile to myself while reading about Luke's reactions. Each character was defined clearly with an individual personality, and for most part you maintained that through the story. Intercharacter relationships were well presented and heartfelt, which I liked a lot. Still, what I think is most memorable about this story is the sort of cheerful warmth in the ending:

"Don't worry Wend, I've done this before."

Luke went to start the bath, smiling.

In those few simple lines I find that you've expressed the full depth of their friendship excellently, and that's what I like most about this piece. :D

That said, forgive me, but I'd like to point out some flaws in the story. You started off with a very clear image of Wend being a sort of tired-out college student, and Luke as the bright-eyed, bushy-tailed freshman: this I liked a lot; but over the course of the story, you seem to have detracted slightly from these personalities. Of course, perhaps I'm just misreading it and the characters were just under a lot of stress (granted, they were); but some of Luke's ottery cheerfulness and kindness seems to have slid away over the span of the story. I thought it strange that Luke would dump the recently-changed Wend all by himself: you portrayed Luke as loyal and eager to please, willing to help out in any way he can; and suddenly he puts classes and grades before the wellbeing of a friend? I dunno. And later on in the story you have Luke talking about how terrible he feels about what happened to Wend, and the next moment he's overtly worrying more about his skin than Wend; of course, he would be worried sick about his skin, but maybe you should make his concern a little more subtle, because in my humble opinion a nice guy like Luke would also be worried about hurting his friend's feelings, too. Of course, you do a good job bringing back that good cheer in the last section (although Luke does seem a little less bubbly).

Of course, maybe you consciously intended to write them both in the way you did. In that case, ignore the above.

The running of thoughts was excellently carried out in the first few sections: one could almost consciously tell who was thinking what simply by the way you strung lines together. Wend's thoughts were logical and realistic; Luke's were bubbly and meandering. The distinction was fun to read, and I loved it. However, over the course of the piece, you seem to have stopped making that distinction: near the end, Luke's thoughts seemed to have lost most of their wandering fun. I dunno. Plus, you also tended to present a story from different perspectives at the same time, which I thought was odd: especially in the second-last section, where everybody's debating how to solve the problem, you often write from Luke's perspective, then jump into Wend's, then back into Luke's. It's always good to consistently write from one character's point of view, unless you start a new section from another character's perspective. Switching back and forth is confusing.

Apart from that, I can't see many other worrying problems. Some editing is in order: while your work was appealing in its presentation of ideas and flow of its storyline, I found that the tiny errors were a little distracting. Main problem was punctuation, with some commas mixed up with periods or some completely missing. Minor problem was sentence flow: on occasion the lines ran strangely, and rarely, I find repetitive sentences that muck up the flow. Very minor problem was word choice, which bordered on the edge of 'improper' on several occasions (moonlight flittering in, being saturated by rain in a moment, a moderate splash). That said, these can be easily remedied by some close editing.

Uhh. And that concludes the critique. I hope I didn't offend you; if I did, I didn't mean to. I liked this story, as well as your other two, and barring any violent response, I'll probably critique those two when I'm free. :D --Wolfy 09:20, 20 January 2011 (UTC)}}

Traxer responds...

Wow. That's just the sort of critique I needed actually. I have been letting this story ferment for a few months trying to see what parts to edit and I really think you nailed some niggling worries at the back of my mind. Esp. the tone change in Luke.

I will admit part of it was intentional, but I did not do a good job with the transition of it. When I changed to Luke's perspective, I sorta lost his quirky jive and never quite had it to come through. As the story progressed, I realized that the personalities of Wend and Luke would switch somewhat. Wend would have the flippant thoughts while Luke was becoming more logical. So by the time they are at the pond, it was meant to come off that way. Before that, not really, and I need to do some work on Luke's POV sections earlier in the story. You clarified some of my vague worries about Luke's progression.

I don't remember switching perspectives in the end...but I will look into that to make sure its properly anchored in Wend's POV (or make it clearer in any case).

I need to dig into the editing process of grammar too. *gets out chainsaw*

Thanks for the grand review. Gives me some things to gnaw on. And I'm glad warmth and fuzziness came through in the end. ^^