User:Sturmovik/Bob
Bob
This is a fun little "conceptual" piece I wrote in March, 2001.
Jason was sitting in his Chicago loft watching his Fight Club DVD on his home entertainment centre. He made enough at his job as a networking technician to support his fast paced single lifestyle.
“His name is Robert Paulson...His name is Robert Paulson... His name is Robert Paulson,” chanted his TV.
“That’s a nice name isn’t it,” came a voice from behind.
Jason spun to see a well-built man wearing animal skins and a loincloth.
“Who the fuck are you and what are you doing in my apartment?” yelled Jason, reaching under his sofa cushion and pulling out his gun.
“My name is not important, but let’s just say that I’m an old god and I’ve picked you for my entertainment. Much like you’re watching that movie there.”
Feeling he had probable cause to believe his life in danger Jason emptied his handgun into the figure standing before him.
“Temper temper,” said the deity, brushing the splatter marks off his sculpted chest. “I don’t think you’re new lifestyle has room for guns.”
The gun in Jason’s hand instantly turned to sand, sliding through his fingers. Needless to say the changes didn’t stop there. Jason watched in horror as his loft began to redecorate itself. His stuff became much less exciting, less bold, and less colourful. His entertainment system turned into a basic 22” TV and Fight Club blinked off and turned into Titanic. He watched his black feisty male cat grow larger turn into a golden retriever. The view out the window blurred and the brick and concrete cityscape faded into trees, grass, bushes and suburban homes. Jason turned his head as he heard pottery shatter to find his three potted ferns growing and shaping into what looked vaguely like humans. Soon there were three more people standing in what had been his apartment, a fairly attractive woman, a young boy and an even younger girl.
“Who the hell are they?” Jason screamed.
“Why don’t you recognize you wife and kids...Bob?”
“They aren’t my wife and kids! And who the bloody hell is Bob?”
“You are. Check your wallet.”
Jason pulled out his driver’s license and watched his name change to Bob Smith. Jason was wondering why it said Bob and not Robert when he was racked by pain as his body shrank and lost weight. He looked at his license again that now listed his height as 5’11”, weight 165, eyes brown and hair brown. His picture looked sickeningly ordinary. At this point Jason was overtaken by panic and he ran out the door of his new house and onto his new front yard. He was just in time to see his 1968 Dodge Charger melt into a Ford Windstar. He started to run down the street when there was a flash and he found himself back inside his new house.
“I’m sorry Bob. You didn’t really think I’d go to all this trouble just to let you run away.”
“What did you do to me!” said Jason, still yelling.
“I made you average, utterly and completely average. Now, I know that you’re thinking. “How can an average person entertain a god?” Well, let me explain. You see Bob, out off all the people in this planet, very few of them are average. Most people are a combination of extremes that when taken in aggregate can form a nice average, but this average is rarely ever seen in real life. However, when one of these “average” people comes into existence, interesting things can happen. As you know, nature abhors a vacuum and so some sort of excitement needs to replace all this averageness. You know the cliche’ story where freaky bad things happen to an average guy? Well congratulations, you’re that guy now. Here’s where my entertainment comes in. I’ve linked your fate to a bunch of Internet losers who like to write transformation stories. Every time they write a story where some poor sap gets transformed, you’ll experience that transformation right then in real life, in your house or at work, alone or in front of your family and I’m just going to sit back and laugh and laugh and laugh. Enjoy your average human body while it lasts because let me assure you it’s replacement definitely won’t be.”
“You slug in a ditch!” said Jason, finding himself unable to use curse words. “I swear to gosh I’ll make you pay.”
“Who are you talking to honey?” asked his wife, obviously unable to see the ass hole god.
“Um, nobody,” replied Jason meekly, not knowing exactly what to do.
As Jason was trying to gather his thoughts and plot a course of action, his body was once again racked by pain. He felt tingly as his body grew fur, his clothes ripped apart, his hands turned to hooves and he fell forward onto all fours, a Charger once again becoming part of his household. His wife walked in, screamed, started to run around in circles and hilarity ensued. The police came, along with the FBI, animal control, etc and there was a general foofara. At the end of the day, Jason was being carted away in a cage. The god remained with him, unseen by everyone else, laughing his head off.
The next morning Jason awoke not in a hard cell, but in Bob’s own comfy bed. Unfortunately he was still a horse. His wife got up, but she didn’t scream or run. It was almost as if she expected him to be a horse and was perfectly fine with it. Jason clopped downstairs to breakfast where his wife had prepared a trough of clover and an apple, but just as Jason was starting to enjoy his meal his body was once again racked by change. He began to shrink, his hooves dissolved and his run turned to feathers. As soon as his wife walked in she began to scream and run around with ensuing hilarity. Just like before the police came and the god was there to laugh his head off.
The NEXT morning Jason awoke in Bob’s bedroom on a perch. This time he had only gotten as far as the bathroom when the change started. Jason soon found himself wedged between the toilet and the sink, but as he tried to free himself he saw that he had fingers and hairy pink flesh. Jason leapt up and stared into the mirror to see the average face of Bob staring back. He would have definitely preferred to have been his old self, but at least Bob was human. The god stepped out of the shower stall looking most puzzled.
“This is most curious,” he remarked punching something into his Palm Pilot. “Oh dear, someone has just written a story where a person turns into a Bob and then what happens if the Bob turns into a Bob. I’d better alter the spell to prevent a feedback loop.”
But before the god could weave his magic Jason was changing again. This time the finished product was a cow as Jason went through all the changes that were scripted for him in this strange new story. The god began to recalibrate his spell for cow when Jason shifted once again, this time into a large stag. The god snorted in anger as only seconds later Jason was back to Bob, then a cow then a stag, then Bob again. The changes were coming so rapidly Jason was literally blinking between them. By thins stage the god was trying desperately to abort the whole entertainment project, but there was so much energy surrounding Bob/Jason that his magic had no effect. Jason was just a blur now and as the rate of change grew exponentially a light began to fill the bedroom of the average suburban house. The light got brighter and brighter and the drapes and bed sheets burst into flame. The average wife entered to room to see what was going on, but she flashed to ash before hilarity could ensue. The light overcame the god’s magical protection and his fur and hide clothing burned away. He let loose a horrid shriek as he raised his arms in a futile effort to protect his face. A powerful explosion rocked the sleepy suburban community followed by a shockwave that didn’t leave a single blade of grass unbent.
Jason awoke the next morning with a throbbing headache and he wished he could remember the previous night’s party that had given it to him. In fact, Jason couldn’t remember anything about the past three days. Taking a deep sigh of relief and vowing never to do something that stupid again Jason flopped into his leather couch and fumbled for the remote.
“Fucking terrorists, someone should really do something to stop them,” mumbled Jason to himself as he watched the CNN report about an apparent nuclear detonation in a suburb of Columbus Ohio.
The End 
The End 
