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Talk:Hannah's Tale

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This is well along and I think I'm ready for some comments. It's my first attempt in a very long time to do first person.

This story is now essentially finished, though I expect to do some revisions. I hope it's an enjoyable read. Please tell me what you-all think.

Alveric

There, took me a little while to get to it but I've finished reading. :) 'Tis a nice little tale, and flowed pretty smoothly. There wasn't a whole lot of plot to it but that's not too big a "fault" - a lot of Xanadu stories are written along these lines, most of mine are similar. Mermaids in particular are tricky to write a lengthy plot for since they've got such limited mobility. I see now that your other ongoing work is a crossover, with the other mermaid Skye making an appearance. That's one of the neat aspects of shared settings but it could also lead to constraints on your subsequent stories so don't hesitate to edit this one some more if events in your other stories call for it. For example, it sounds like Skye is going to be separated from the other two protagonists of her story in fairly short order. Maybe a major plot for the other story could be them searching for her?
Anyway, focusing on this story. The mervulcan mix was a great idea, very fun. However, the Vulcan side of the mix didn't come up very much. I realize that under the circumstances it's entirely reasonable that the mer side would be the more significant one but it still feels a bit like a wasted opportunity. When Hannah was being manhandled by that pirate I was expecting that she'd pull out the ol' Vulcan nerve pinch on him (that encounter could perhaps use a bit of rewriting anyway - the characters' reactions seemed a bit odd, both in Hannah pulling a knife on a man who was trying to help her and yet still trusting him to carry her around, and the pirate not reacting very much to his passenger threatening him like that).
Then of course there's the Vulcan mind meld and telepathic aptitude in general that you could play around with a bit. Especially right at the end, it could be useful as a means of underwater communication with Skye and I'd be curious to see how it interacts with Force-based mental communication. As it was her reunion with Alex was a little uneventful.
Hope these were the sorts of critiques you were looking for. No major issues leapt out at me otherwise, overall quite good. Thanks for writing! :) Bryan 15:11, 1 March 2011 (UTC)

Thank you very much. I've been a bit uneasy about the interaction between Hannah and Ben myself. It was intended to be a short humorous interlude after the melodrama of her realizing her full alieness. Actually she believed, at first, that Ben was abducting her for some nefarious purpose. You're right, however their reactions don't match up. I will work on this.

I was planning on fleshing out Alex and Hannah's reunion and relationship in the sequel, but maybe I should do more here.

Again, thank you. This is exactly the sort of feedback I wanted.

Alveric

I made some minor changes that, I hope, will improve things while I consider further changes.

Alveric


Amusingly, I just stumbled across this little article on io9 today: What would happen if a Vulcan studied to become a Jedi? No mention of throwing mermaids into the mix, though. :) Bryan 05:59, 5 March 2011 (UTC)

Thanks, that was interesting. Maybe Hannah should becom Alex's padawan.  ;-)

Alveric