Difference between revisions of "User talk:WolfyDrake95/Price in Blood"

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::Actually, I was thinking of using the iPhone because of its large application database, as well as its functionability (I read in NewsWeek that US snipers use it to calculate bullet drop). The one Taylor has is an upgraded version that the HRM developed for their field operatives. The HRM wasn't affected much by the Collapse, because it's quite a large movement and has a lot of powerful people within to support it. The cell featured in the story is only the Texas cell; many other cells are seeded within the New Confederacy. I can imagine someone in Apple being a member of the HRM and supplying them with the tech as well as the programs and applications specially designed for the Movement. —[[User:WolfyDrake95|Drake]] 15:04, 10 August 2009 (UTC)
 
::Actually, I was thinking of using the iPhone because of its large application database, as well as its functionability (I read in NewsWeek that US snipers use it to calculate bullet drop). The one Taylor has is an upgraded version that the HRM developed for their field operatives. The HRM wasn't affected much by the Collapse, because it's quite a large movement and has a lot of powerful people within to support it. The cell featured in the story is only the Texas cell; many other cells are seeded within the New Confederacy. I can imagine someone in Apple being a member of the HRM and supplying them with the tech as well as the programs and applications specially designed for the Movement. —[[User:WolfyDrake95|Drake]] 15:04, 10 August 2009 (UTC)
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{{Green|As a hardware platform, the iPhone is very good. I can see that it could have grown into a much more robust device without Apple limiting it. Really, it's just kind of weird to see it called an iPhone in a future setting. I don't know if it should be called something else, but you might need to differentiate it from the iPhone of today.}} --[[User:Concerned Reader|Concerned Reader]] 15:11, 10 August 2009 (UTC)
  
 
== On self deprication.  ==
 
== On self deprication.  ==

Revision as of 10:11, 10 August 2009

Storyline Discussion

ShadowWolf knows a lot more about PaW than I do, but as far as I remember, the major conflicts were when Canada was sweeping down into the leftovers of the USA. But because you're from Singapore, you could start a story section over on that side of the world.

Here's some times for conflict:

2008-09: the start of the collapse, and first infections.

2011: the New Confederacy is formed. They could be the assasinators, as they are a very Anarchistic group.

2015: Most fighting stops. NAR stabilizes. New confederacy mostly gone. A splinter cell could cause some trouble.

2020: this is when Allan's hometown is bombed. After this, there is almost no figting in the greater NAR area. Some outlying areas could still have trouble with the Confederacy.

Thats the best I can do for now. If the character is going to be sticking around, I would recommend creating a character timeline page as well. It helps define the character's traits and description so that it stays constant across stories.

PAW needs some more authors, so I look forward to whatever you may come up with. Though by about 2020, most persecution in the north American region seems to have stopped, an earlier assassination plot could be a good setup for a character. --Concerned Reader 14:03, 4 August 2009 (UTC)

Hmm...I think PaW works, because my mind's already working out the kinks of the story. Well, I'll tell you what I'm planning now. SPOILER WARNING!!!
Price in Blood—At the very end of some conflict (2015?), there is a skirmish between TFORs and an anti-TFOR splinter cell. This is when the main character's parents are killed, and the leader of the splinter cell finds him, takes him in, and slowly nurtures a hatred for TFORs, fuelled by his parents' deaths. Or, alternatively, his parents could have been the victims of the Brown incident (see Lloyd's Case Briefing: Leon v. Stewart, but I haven't asked him yet), and died thereof. Same thing happens with the cell.
Then the main character is trained, and within years (2019?) he is sent on his first mission for the cell: to go assassinate an outspoken pro-TFOR activist who's promoting TFOR equality and all that. The first time, a sniper attack is attempted; it fails, and the main character resorts to a direct knifing, etc. But then the main character catches the Torch, and collapses at the crucial moment of the assassination.
The activist doesn't press charges on accounts of his age, but instead sends the main character to a friend's house (Allan himself, perhaps? That'd be a nice crossover) to recuperate, where it is revealed that the M.C. has caught the TFOR. As the M.C. deals with TFOR, the activist's friend starts to tell him about the TFOR community, and the M.C realizes that TFORs aren't all bad. Suddenly doubting his upbringing, he begins to investigate his parents' deaths, eventually finding a human survivor of that skirmish years ago. Then the M.C. finds out that actually it was the splinter cell who killed his parents; he goes back there to kill that leader, and succeeds.
Admittedly I haven't thought of the very, very ending: perhaps the police arrest him? That would be an interesting ending, despite being sad.
This story, being in the idea stage, is very loose. If you've got any good ideas, feel free to tell me! If ShadowWolf is reading this, then his advice would be crucial too! And if Allan is to be featured, I'll need a bunch of details about him, and probably you'll have to vet and monitor the dialog. The last time I featured someone else's character (awesome writer Jetfire's AT), I think I wrote her in terribly. My fault, of course. I still have trouble believing that I was forgiven for screwing up the Paradise universe. But I digress.
If I've got your permission to use Allan, I'll probably be bugging you a lot. Or, we could use that nifty EtherPad to pull the partial collab. Tell me what you think!
PS, forgive me for putting a reference to Allan in this story. I couldn't resist it. I have some problems. :) —Drake 14:30, 4 August 2009 (UTC)

The main idea sounds good. Around 2020 is when Allan's town is Bombed, but after that there's two years open for anything. 2022ish is when the Rangers contact Allan again, but I haven't started that story very far, so it could be that they both join.

If it were Allan, they could have a talk about losing a parent/parents, and other such discussions. Crossovers are what make a story universe so great, so I don't mind. Indeed, Lloyd has already used Allan in a story.

On the TFOR, It may have to be that he had the Torch previously, which created tension in the anti-TFOR community, but he didn't come down with TFOR right away. Then leading up to the assassination, he would be craving weird foods, and during the assassination TFOR could kick in, causing the systemic lock-up and changes. --Concerned Reader 14:43, 4 August 2009 (UTC)

As late as 2040 there are still people in the region that was once "The New Confederacy" that still perform anti-teefer terrorist acts. From what I can tell of your idea it would need to be no later than 2025 because around 2025 the "resistance" in that region has become wildly decentralized and so fractured that it has been known to attack other branches. -- ShadowWolf 14:53, 4 August 2009 (UTC)
Actually I was thinking along the lines of pre-2020, so that the main character could go live with Allan without Allan being preoccupied by bombings and death. So, skirmish in 2010s, training from 2011 through 2015, then assassination in 2016. More or less. I can already imagine fight scenes and gunfire and flying knives and two-meter leaps. All in my head, of course, and this messes up my lessons in school. By the way, where exactly does Allan live? And when is Lloyd's story set? I might be able to pull Jonas Balfour into this. :)
And ShadowWolf's right about my story. I need it to be some kind of anti-TFOR splinter cell (I like the words "splinter cell": they're cool) that attacks pro-TFOR activists. I'll start on it right away, but this week I have to prep for my school's National Day Parade, so I'm kinda busy. I'll find time; I wake up at 5:30 sometimes just to check Shifti for updates before going to school. —Drake 15:03, 4 August 2009 (UTC)

If it was set before 2020, which is when I set Rebuilding, I would have to go back and retcon a lot of exposition into it to make mention of MC, so to be perfectly honest, I think late 2020-2021 would be the best setting for MC and Allan to meet. That gives two years, and story material for both you and me.

Before 2020, Allan lived in California, near LA. Around 2020, he moved to just above Amarillo, Texas. 2021, when he's in college, if he gets into University of Texas, He'll be living in Austin Texas. --Concerned Reader 15:20, 4 August 2009 (UTC)

Got it. Shifting the timeline ahead, assassination now occurs in 2021. Oh, and can anyone help me think up a name and TFOR type for the pro-TFOR activist? I'm terrible at name-choosing and power-picking. Some help, please. I've written the intro, but right now I have to sleep. It's midnight over here. :) --Drake 16:07, 4 August 2009 (UTC)

It seems to me that there is a high density of certain types of anthros in these settings. Generally of felines, lupines, and canines. I'm going to try and remedy that in my next story, because there are a lot of different species on earth, and the virus can even use ones not of this earth. So just as a challenge, you might try something out of the ordinary.

On the powers, only 30% of all teefers receive powers, so he may not have a "super" power, but he could have a biological capability. Such as hardened skin or extreme reflexes. An Armadillo TFOR might work, as it could lead to the bullet failing to penetrate far enough to be lethal. Just remember that the species should affect how the story progresses, instead of just being a block of descriptive text.

As for names, I'm terrible at names. You could try flipping through a phonebook, and picking out random first and last names to throw together. --Concerned Reader 16:44, 4 August 2009 (UTC)

Hmm...now that I think of it, maybe this activist shouldn't be a TFOR at all. Instead, I'm thinking having him as a normal human would be far better for the storyline. As for the main character, I'm naming him Taylor Miles, after the Halo 3: ODST character of the same name. He's probably going to wind up some kinda wolf (grey or arctic), but you might have guessed that I liked wolves from my name, so this isn't a surprise. And he's going to have some limited object manipulation capabilities, which he can use to accelerate or manipulate bullets or throwing knives, for example. That sorta thing. I'll upload when I'm done with the first couple of chapters. :) —Drake 12:50, 5 August 2009 (UTC)

A human activist would have a much higher chance of causing an upset in Taylor. If he expects to be shooting at what he believes are "animals," or whatever the propaganda is, then he may have issues with shooting a human being. I have noticed that you like wolves, yes.

On the issue of power characters, I'll link you to my talk page on rebuilding. Both Lloyd and ShadowWolf had something to say about power characters, so it's worth a read. The main notes are to come up with definite limits on his powers, and definite consequences.

On a side note, because Allan is human, but also a TFOR, it could lead to interesting conversation things with Taylor. I enjoy discussions of "what makes a human" so I would love to come up with dialog with you. --Concerned Reader 14:18, 5 August 2009 (UTC)

Yes, exactly. It's supposed to be like that; the target is supposed to be human, but supporting TFORs. Here's an excerpt of what I've written so far:
“This is your assignment. Find this man, and kill him. Silence him. I believe that you, of all the others, are up to this task. We already have the necessary information regarding him, but it shall be no easy task, since he is so successful that the TFORs have begun offering him protection.”
“Wait,” Taylor cut in, unheeding of the protocols of respect. “This man is human. An innocent. He has done no wrong and neither is he one of them—”
“Don’t you see?” Myers slammed his hands on the table, emotion evidently forcing him out of his seat. “This man is corrupting the minds of the people! Human or not, he must be silenced. He is the voice of those beasts, and he has to be silenced, lest the people turn and support them instead of our noble cause!”
Myers dropped back into his seat, seeming to regain control of his emotions. But looking at the man, Taylor saw a fire burning in his eyes as he continued, “You should know this, of all people. Anyone supporting the TFORs is a threat, and these TFORs are the greatest danger to our society. Or have you forgotten how they killed your parents, and how we had to take you in, shield you from the beasts and their claws and their teeth?”
Now it was Taylor’s turn to rise, hands balled into fists. His words were dark, cold, but seething anger underlined them. “I never forgot, and I never will.”
Yeah, so that's the reason why Taylor eventually agrees to it. But it's exactly this reason that plants a little doubt in Taylor's mind...it hints to him that humans can live alongside TFORs perfectly fine, something that his upbringing told him was impossible. As for the things about power characters, yeah, I've read that. Of course I'll work in some limitations, but I'll deal with that when I get there. Right now I'm working the intro. As for dialog...yeah, we could use this "EtherPad" that RM talked about. Seems pretty useful. :) —Drake 15:34, 5 August 2009 (UTC)

Sounds like a plan.--Concerned Reader 16:08, 5 August 2009 (UTC)

Awesome! I'll drop you a message on your talk page or here or something when I get to that part. In the meantime I'll be working on the intro and assassination, as well as investigating the strange EtherPad. Off to sleep now! :) —Drake 16:11, 5 August 2009 (UTC)
ADDITIONHey, CR, where do you live? As in, timezone. I'm not going to look you up or anything; I just need to sync times so that if we need to meet for a real-time collab we won't screw up the timings. That sorta thing. —Drake 07:08, 6 August 2009 (UTC)

I should probably mention that TFOR is the acronymn for Transformative Failure of Ontogenetic Regulation. Teefer is the term used for those who were affected by TFOR. --Lloyd 19:02, 5 August 2009 (UTC)

Ah, yes. My mistake. Thanks for pitching in! By the way, when does Jonas catch the Torch? Because I like to put little cameos of characters I like, and Jonas is one of them. Even if the cameos are something as small as stepping on his tail. And when does The Fool in the Fox take place? It'd be useful if I knew when Jonas and Allan met. By the way, if you object to a cameo, it's fine with me. :) —Drake 07:04, 6 August 2009 (UTC)

Fool in the Fox takes place sometime around 2032. Other than that you'll have to wait for Lloyd. I live in GMT-6, but will be out of town for a few days, so I don't know if I'll have internets. Wow, it looks like we are on exactly opposite time zones. When I'm waking up, you're finishing your day. --Concerned Reader 12:24, 6 August 2009 (UTC)

Yup, that's about right. But don't worry, I get up at four-thirty in the morning often enough (usually to do homework; I procrastinate). So there's no problem in meeting online, I guess. As for you going out of town, that's fine with me. I probably won't be getting to that part soon. And thanks for the info on Jonas, though I suppose I'll have to wait for Lloyd to reveal more...it's like some kind of conspiracy! :)
Drake 12:49, 6 August 2009 (UTC)
Jonas catches the Torch when he's 16, comes to Polyton when he's 17, and Fool takes place when he's 18 and it also happens in the summer of 2031. I have no objections to you using Jonas in your story by the way, that's one of the ideas behind a shared setting after all. --Lloyd 13:24, 6 August 2009 (UTC)
Sigh...I'm sorry, but I don't think I can cameo Jonas, because of the timeline. You see, my story needs the civil unrest of the 2020s. Jonas is eighteen in year 2031, meaning he would be eight and un-TFORed in 2021. So, unfortunately, I can't place him in there, because it would result in a timeline clash. Sorry. Perhaps in a sequel... —Drake 14:37, 6 August 2009 (UTC)

Oh, and could somebody enlighten me as to the kind of symptoms Blowtorch Fever causes? I'm only sure of the high fever and the cravings; the PaW page only listed those. Are there any others? Thanks. —Drake 12:29, 9 August 2009 (UTC)

And I'm back in town. I haven't had a chance to read it yet. I'll do that tonight. On Blowtorch, It only causes cravings if TFORS is also contracted, otherwise it's just a very deadly fever. --Concerned Reader 01:58, 10 August 2009 (UTC)

'Kay. Thanks a lot! —Drake 02:00, 10 August 2009 (UTC)

Here is a clock for Texas, timeanddate.com. --Concerned Reader 04:19, 10 August 2009 (UTC)

Comments and Critique

Hey guys, Wolfy here. Right now you've probably seen that I just uploaded the first segment of my story. If there's anything you think is bad, say so now! Thanks! Oh, and good comments are welcome too. —Drake 08:52, 9 August 2009 (UTC)

You've shown great improvements from your first foray into writing. I've thoroughly enjoyed what you have here right now and will be waiting for more. -- ShadowWolf 11:48, 9 August 2009 (UTC)
Wow, thanks for the praise! I kind of worried that I didn't manage to convey Taylor's character as a ruthless assassin very well, but really, thanks! I'm writing the actual assassination part now. Your praise is now compelling me to write more...Thanks once more! :D —Drake 12:22, 9 August 2009 (UTC)

I just started reading it, and it's looking pretty good so far. Though you might want to start using pronouns at some point... --Concerned Reader 03:02, 10 August 2009 (UTC)

I have now finished the story in it's current posted form, and must say it is a very good start. A couple of notes:

  • You mention that the phone is an iPhone, and I'm not sure if Apple would have survived the collapse, much the same way that Microsoft didn't. We might want to come up with a new mobile device that everyone uses, Otherwise it's hard to tell that the story takes place in the future. Blind Pig had this present future problem pretty bad.
  • You don't seem to have any paragraphs. Everything is on a new line, and it makes it a bit difficult to read on a wide-screen monitor.
  • The steak house should have a proper name, Such as "The County Line," "Rudy's," or "The Salt Lick." Which are all, coincidentally, real BBQ joints in Austin.
  • Your Texas accents aren't too bad. At the very least, they don't portray Texans as idiots.
    • "Doubt this killer’ll dare to show his face ‘round these parts when the Rangers are here." might be changed to "..parts with the Rangers in town."
  • You drop a lot of Halo cameos in your stories. You might want to tone it down a bit, but that's more of a personal choice.
    • In this case, the 99D-S2AM sniper rifle is very loud, and very evident as to where the bullet has come from due to the tracer in every round. You might look up some real world sniper rifles that are more anti-personnel and quiet.
  • on the Encryption code: This isn't necessary, but for an added level of realism, you could research Public Key cryptography, and change it from Delta to a public key that they would use.
  • On the robber: There are a lot of drunk, homeless, and/or bad people in east Austin, so you might set the Hotel there.

And that's all I could find right now. Keep up the good work. --Concerned Reader 04:02, 10 August 2009 (UTC)

Thanks for the praise! As for your comments...
  • About the iPhone, it's mainly because I can't think of anything else. If one of the creators of PaW would step up and offer a nifty new brand, I wouldn't mind changing.
  • Paragraphing: I noticed that too, so maybe I'll switch to double-spacing between paragraphs. I use short paragraphs because it emphasizes suspense (I think).
  • Naming the steak house: Got it.
  • Texas accents: I worried that it would be offensive as I hate steorotypes. My bad.
  • Halo cameos: Right. Maybe I'll change it to a AWC (Arctic Warfare Covert). And, if you didn't notice, they're a lot more Halo references, like the Seventh Pillar Hotel is a ref. to the Seventh Column Bungie fangroup (Column is something like Pillar), and how the numbers of all the times add up to seven. And I intend to dump in more Assassin's Creed references, because I love that game. In case you didn't read Taylor's character page on PaW Character Timelines, Taylor bought a hidden blade and repaired it for use. I know too many game references are bad but god I love those games!
  • Encryption: That's pretty minor, but maybe I'll follow your suggestion. I used "Omega" just to make it sound cool, as well as being a reference to my still unfinished Last Man Standing.
  • The robber: Okay.
And thus, I reply. —Drake 04:20, 10 August 2009 (UTC)
An iphone, as is my understanding, does not require the presence of an Apple network in order to be used as a phone, so it is fully possible that it were still in use/production. If you want an alternate brand though, I believe the PAW Collab mentions something about Linux being the new microsoft so you may be able to come up with something there. --Lloyd 11:53, 10 August 2009 (UTC)

The iPhone does require an AT&T plan, as well as access to the app store. Apple also has a history of locking down their devices, so that they cannot be used to their fullest unless they are illegaly jailbroken. Now if someone more into the open source/Linux community had taken over Apple, the new iPhone could be a linux based device, as well as more open to modification. Such as an encrypted communications application. --Concerned Reader 13:11, 10 August 2009 (UTC)

As it stands this story is set so close to the end of the collapse that there will have been little in the way of technological innovation in regards to "consumer electronics". I can see the jailbreaking applications for the iPhone having become common - hell, I could see someone having broken into Apple's campus and stolen all of their source as having happened. If the source was stolen, then making it available to the public could have happened as well.
I say that I can see this kind of thing happening and similar because I will not dictate things like that as having occurred. At this point the setting is still growing and details like that will likely be allowed as "canon". As the setting grows more details will get filled in it will become harder for people to add major new facets to the setting. -- ShadowWolf 14:34, 10 August 2009 (UTC)
Actually, I was thinking of using the iPhone because of its large application database, as well as its functionability (I read in NewsWeek that US snipers use it to calculate bullet drop). The one Taylor has is an upgraded version that the HRM developed for their field operatives. The HRM wasn't affected much by the Collapse, because it's quite a large movement and has a lot of powerful people within to support it. The cell featured in the story is only the Texas cell; many other cells are seeded within the New Confederacy. I can imagine someone in Apple being a member of the HRM and supplying them with the tech as well as the programs and applications specially designed for the Movement. —Drake 15:04, 10 August 2009 (UTC)

As a hardware platform, the iPhone is very good. I can see that it could have grown into a much more robust device without Apple limiting it. Really, it's just kind of weird to see it called an iPhone in a future setting. I don't know if it should be called something else, but you might need to differentiate it from the iPhone of today. --Concerned Reader 15:11, 10 August 2009 (UTC)

On self deprication.

I'm noticing a trend with us young writers. We seem to think everything we write is, for lack of a better term, complete sh*t. I echo your author's note almost exactly on Talk:Rebuilding. To quote:

"Anyways, I don't want to accidentally wreck your carefully crafted world with my bad fanfiction."

I don't know if this is a good or bad thing. It may mean we are more open to criticism, but it also means that we may be more prone to giving up on a story before giving it a chance. --Concerned Reader 02:05, 10 August 2009 (UTC)

I think I know why. It's because when we (at least just me) read good stories (like Michael Bard's w00t I'm a fan!) we feel that we can't get up to that standard. When we read other stories in the universe we feel that we can't maintain that level of awesomeness. And so, we're terrified that we'll screw up the story universe. As for whether it's a good thing or bad...I think good because small bits of praise make me so happy that I get motivated a lot, but bad because if I don't get any praise or comments I get very demoralized. Queer. :) —Drake 02:18, 10 August 2009 (UTC)

True enough. On a side note, I still haven't read it yet because I'm RPing on one of District 9's Facebook pages. For the uninformed: District 9. The Facebook page is here.

The universe the movie is set in is very interesting, and the fact that the RP is entirely user driven, with no professional posters, even more so. I think I may attempt a short in the universe, but that will probably not show up on shifti. --Concerned Reader 02:31, 10 August 2009 (UTC)

You Facebook? I never really understood the lure of that thing...I'm not much for social networking. I'll probably try to work out my account soon enough. Strange thing, this Facebook. —Drake 02:56, 10 August 2009 (UTC)

It helps to connect to friends that aren't near you, and set up group things, and, as I'm now finding out, it's pretty good for rping as well. This is a facebook. I don't really want to link to my facebook from shifti, mainly because I don't really want my ident to be publicly known yet. --Concerned Reader 03:02, 10 August 2009 (UTC)