User talk:WolfyDrake95/New World

Hey there. If any moderators read this, please help. I dunno how to get boldfaced words into two seperate lines, one right beneath the other. This is for the timestamp in my story: I normally put time, followed by activity or place.

Thanks if you read this! --WolfyDrake

You could insert the XHTML standard <br/> — a lot of the standard HTML markup is there and functional. For simpler things like the line-break there is no problem… When it comes to the more complex markup you should use the WikiMarkup bits to make sure that the page is rendered correctly. -- ShadowWolf 15:20, 14 May 2009 (UTC)

There is a small date error in the story, the furry "virus" starts in 1987, not 1974. Otherwise not a bad entry into the universe. Good work! --Eirik 23:16, 14 May 2009 (UTC)

Thanks you guys; I've cleaned up all the errors. Still can't believe just a day after posting, a whole bunch of veteran writers pop by to read...and my story isn't exactly short. Your feedback means a lot to me: thanks, Eirik! --WolfyDrake 21:31, 15 May 2009 (+0800 GMT)

You have some "flow" problems - ie: there are some spots where the story feels very stilted - but beyond that there is nothing actually wrong here. I've got to go edit my "favorites" list to add a link to this story now. Great job! (And while I'm no good at providing effective advice about how to clean up problems, I will try if I have an idea of how to do it) -- ShadowWolf 21:08, 18 May 2009 (UTC)

Thanks for the critique! I'll make sure I do something about that. I come along and add in a little bit here and there every now and then (see how vague I am?). I kinda did the story part by part, so maybe it's a little wierd...mind pointing out the parts that aren't too good (which segment of the story)? Oh, and a HUGE thanks for the fave! I gotta start on my next story now...veeery slowly. Criticisms still welcome, and I'll make updates for this story. :)-- Drake 21:40, 19 May 2009 (+0800 GMT)

I think the biggest thing is that you are telling the story, mainly, through the dialog and not actually "telling the story". There are some details scattered here and there, but you use the dialog to move the action. That isn't always wrong, but it leaves the story feeling stilted because there isn't a lot of motion to the dialog. Remember - stories have no images, so unlike movies you can't just have the dialog with the setting and other details "picked up by osmosis". I'd suggest you add some details - mention the hotel decor, the air temperature, etc...

And there are a few places where you repeat a word or name (At the start you have ", Todd and I..." followed by a new sentence starting "Todd had...") this repetition breaks the flow by itself, because it feels artificial. If you were speaking it you'd probably follow the ", Todd and I" with "He had..." instead. It's also worth noting that the more common phrasing would be "me and Todd" - "Todd and I" is grammatically correct, but that doesn't, necessarily, mean it's correct for a story. A simple rule I follow is to write as I speak - that is, if one of the grammatical rules runs counter to common usage, I ignore it. (This ties into a long-running debate among authors and English teachers about the existing rules of grammar)

In the same vein, you have a chunk at the beginning that is "I grumbled...I muttered...", one right after the other. There is no variation in the sentence structure there and such a mistake is common among new writers. I'd suggest changing it up so that you aren't "telling the action" around that bit, but "showing it". Change the "...I muttered" bit to "Tugging on my two bags I muttered..." or similar, but I'd suggest changing it so the actual words are implied but not actually given.

You also seem to love your adverbs, but in using them you are making the action passive instead of active. "I stared at him incredulously" is an example - you could actually make it better by losing the adverb and making it more active - something like "I stared at him shocked" or even "I gave him a look of disbelief" would work there, give the same information for the scene and it loses the passive feel.

I'm not going to go on any more - I am decidedly not an editor and this is just a sharing of some things that I've learned in the years I've been writing. Others may feel different about some things I've said, but I'd suggest you try to contact Cubist (editor of Anthro) or possibly Bard (runs the Official TBP Archive) if you'd like a truly impartial and professional editor help you. (Cubist actually edits a lot of my stuff and has helped me become a better author)

--ShadowWolf 17:08, 19 May 2009 (UTC)

Wow...that's a lot of advice. I'll try to correct those parts soon enough...and yes, I like using dialog. I'll try to add in a little bit more "movement" if I can...and you're right in that I do love my adverbs. I did notice the slightly unreal and staged feel that other stories don't have...I just didn't notice what caused it in mine. Thanks for pointing out my mistakes! :) --Drake

Been following your edits and you are really polishing it. You can still tell it's a "novice" effort, but it seems to flow a lot better and the story isn't being told strictly through dialog now. Keep up the good work! -- ShadowWolf 17:16, 26 May 2009 (UTC)

Thanks for the feedback! I'll keep on touching up here and there, but I might slow the edits a little: I'm finally starting on my next story. And I hope that by "novice" you meant "beginner" and not "n00b". Because that makes me sad. *amused laugh -- Drake 15:47, 28 May 2009

"Novice" means "beginner" - if I'd meant 'n00b' I'd have said it :)

Seriously, though, you show promise and have not fallen afoul of what I call the "attachment trap" (see From Thesis to Synthesis). In accepting the criticism in a positive manner and working to alleviate the problems that were highlighted with it, you have taken a big step. (And why did you sign your response to my last bit with my name?)

--ShadowWolf 20:20, 28 May 2009 (UTC)

Just an accident: I was thinking about something else, so I forgot and typed in your name. Anyway, I changed it within seconds, how did you notice? You're 1337, to say so in leetspeak. O.o! -- Drake 19:02 29 May 2009

Because you actually didn't fix it - I fixed it for you before typing up my reply based on the data on the Recent changes page. :P -- ShadowWolf 16:27, 29 May 2009 (UTC)

Regards to the Rant

First off, let me offer my condolences that you had to edit your story over the overactive imaginations of some disturbed people. Second, let me say that your note at the end of the story is oddly refreshing, and I do hope it startles some of your more... perturbed classmates. --Lloyd