Talk:The Strength in the Shark

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Although it's finished, this story feels a bit "rushed" to me. Does anyone have a suggestion on how I could pace it better? Lloyd Brunnel 12:52, 18 August 2009 (UTC)

Hmm... it might be a bit more fundamental. Stories I write usually have a conflict or problem set up at the beginning which is resolved at the end. If the problem is not resolved, the story doesn't feel "complete". In this case, you have the fox sitting at the bar, a shark comes up, apologizes, and leaves. The only initial problem is MAYBE a bit of fear of the shark, and that doesn't even occur until about a third of the way through due to the brevity. Maybe have a new beginning with the POV character grumbling in his mind about the shark that mistook him, about how he hates that, he's angry, but what are you going to say to a shark? Then said shark comes in, apologies, tension/conflict set up at the beginning is resolved. Michael Bard 21:15, 18 August 2009 (EDT)
I think you misread the part of Within and Without that this story refers to. Jonas literally ran into Jimbari and ran away, there was no mistaking things until the start of this story. --Lloyd 12:19, 19 August 2009 (UTC)

Critic Notices

For those critiquing this piece, please pay attention to the first section before Jimbari appears, as I am unsure of how well I establish Jonas's frame of mind. I'd also appreciate any help with an ending, since I can't come up with one =( --Lloyd Brunnel 19:12, 19 August 2009 (UTC)

Well...the second paragraph seems kind of abrupt, and it feels stilted, unconnected to the rest of the story. Maybe a short sentence between, like, "Yeah, I'm not exactly brimming with it." That might link the two paragraphs better.
As for Jonas' state of mind...I think you've established it pretty well. He seems resentful at losing control to his instincts, ashamed, perhaps. This seems to demonstrate how Jonas was touchy about being a fullmorph. However, he seems to get really pissed at Jimbari, even though it was written in the PaW Character List that Jonas was a shy but friendly guy. "Shy" doesn't fit into his reaction; neither does "friendly". Frankly speaking, I imagined Jonas to be a friendly, cheerful guy, pretty much from how he took the Asplosion of the cake so lightly. His reaction to Jimbari seems to conflict with that idea.
Maybe you're trying to show how Jonas was touchy about being a fullmorph. If so, that's okay. But the events before Jonas' outburst seem strange: first he has "a very strong desire to yell at him for his ignorance", later he gave "a pleased growl", after that he finally gets pissed. I'm not sure if the pleased growl part was supposed to be Jonas' instincts, but if so, you should mention that. Else, you should change it. I think it'd be better if you described how Jonas was at first a little intimidated, then annoyed, then angry (or some other slow increase in anger or something). That way the reader can follow.
For an ending, how about you have someone, like Allan, for example, walk over, scritch Jonas behind the ears and say, "Seriously, though, you really are like a cuddly/fluffy/cute/some-other-amusing-term litle animal. Though you scare me when you yell like that." That way it'd be funny. :)
On the overall, this is a pretty good story. Great work! —Drake 11:35, 20 August 2009 (UTC)

One Wolfs Critique

Your story opens abruptly and dumps the characters on the reader. This is not a bad thing, but in this case you have made an assumption that the readers know Jonas. A solution to this might be to use a series-bar or a story-info box to link the various Jonas stories together. That is, however, a very heavyweight solution and a simpler one would be an authors-note that this story follows on from the events in "Within and Without".

At the start of your third paragraph you mention "self-depreciation"—did you mean "self-deprecation" (in which case it would work, but I have never heard the term in that tense)? I ask because "depreciation" is something that happens to value but I have never heard it applied to self-worth, just monetary values.

After several reads through it finally comes to me that paragraphs 3 and 4 are actually a single paragraph that was, apparently, split badly. They are split by a line of dialog and it would be better to move the dialog to the start of paragraph 4. This keeps the interruption and the action it causes together and maintains the flow of the narrative better.

The fifth paragraph (starting "I had a very strong desire to yell") marks a change to a passive voice. Since you are using an active voice both before that paragraph and afterwards it breaks the narrative flow. This is caused because the passive voice is a lot slower—it makes the narrative seem to slow down which is not good for a short-story.

However the shouting and ensuing dialog are very well executed. While Jonas' outburst feels really out-of-character for him, it does highlight just how badly the events of "Within and Without" bothered him, as well as how badly the assumptions of Jimbari bothered him. That works in the stories favor as it makes the character "pop off the page". The same for Jimbari—in "Within and Without" he feels really boisterous and outgoing but here he's kinda quiet and conciliatory after Jonas' outburst. That really meek feeling apology and his whole response to the situation gives the character depth he doesn't otherwise have.

All in all, nice work!

-- ShadowWolf 16:27, 20 August 2009 (UTC)