https://shifti.org/api.php?action=feedcontributions&feedformat=atom&user=24.192.142.249 2026-05-30T21:43:07Z User contributions MediaWiki 1.46.0-alpha https://shifti.org/index.php?title=Talk:My_problem_with_girls&diff=10884 2009-04-01T01:52:39Z

<p>24.192.142.249: /* Coming back */ new section</p> <hr /> <div>Hmm...<br /> <br /> Not much to say, but '''Put comments here''' seems kind of mechanic...<br /> <br /> So yeah please comment.<br /> <br /> Please??<br /> <br /> <br /> ----<br /> <br /> <br /> Don't feel too put off if no one comments. I got about three maybe even four storys in when I was just starting before I even got a single email.<br /> <br /> What I will say though is that theirs not really any meat on these bones. What I mean by that is theirs not a whole lot to comment on besides basic grammar and spelling.<br /> <br /> We had won. Barely.<br /> <br /> We had won, barely.<br /> <br /> /<br /> <br /> Later after dinner I decided I would get Lace<br /> <br /> later and after dont need to be back to back. <br /> <br /> Later I decided <br /> <br /> or<br /> <br /> After dinner I decided<br /> <br /> would work better and look less cluttered<br /> <br /> <br /> <br /> Lacey came running into my room. She held up my spider.<br /> <br /> When you use two sentences like you did here its supposed to be describing two events of note but the way it is writen it could be put as just a single sentence.<br /> <br /> Lacey came running into my room holding up my spider.<br /> <br /> <br /> I'm also noting a lot of use of the the word 'then'. Its nothing really major but listen to these two sentences.<br /> <br /> Scott left. Then I waited. A few minutes later I got out and did the deed. All that was left was to wait and then go to lyods house.<br /> <br /> After Scott left I waited a few minutes. I got out and did the deed. all that was left now was to wait before going to lyods house.<br /> <br /> A lot of these sentences can be merged together to form single more fluid sentences. Try saying them out loud when you write them.<br /> <br /> <br /> Other than that not a whole lot I can tell yah, besides that commentary is good but nowhere near as helpful as plain old practice.<br /> <br /> Oh and if you REALLY want commentary another trick I learned is to to go to great lengths to comment on and edit other peoples stuff in order to guilt trip them into doing the same for you*joking!*. XD <br /> <br /> --[[User:Devin|Devin]] 22:45, 13 September 2007 (EDT)<br /> <br /> == Set the Scene ==<br /> <br /> The best advice think I can give you is to set the scene for your reader. You have a lot of dialogue, but little else. Create an image for me. --[[User:JonBuck|Buck]] 02:30, 14 September 2007 (EDT)<br /> <br /> ----<br /> Thanks for the suggestions guys. I've done most of the changes and will put the rest of what I've written up as soon as I get a chance. I'm also going to be revising the one thing I didn't do which is the descriptions.<br /> I feel obligated to tell you that this was started along time ago, which is why I'm putting it up slowly. I want each piece ripped apart so that I can fix all my numerous faults.<br /> <br /> '''Raven'''<br /> <br /> == Coming back ==<br /> <br /> Obviously I haven't been on here in awhile. <br /> <br /> With my schedule, I need someone to help me co-author, if someone is able. <br /> <br /> If you have ideas, please give me some support so I can finish this!</div>

24.192.142.249